Camera Phones & Their Merit

Today I came home and found myself trapped in the driveway afraid to move because there was an excellent picture waiting to happen. If I moved - I knew I'd spoil the moment so I whipped out my cell phone and called my father who was in the house.

ME: DAD!! COME OUT HERE WITH YOUR CAMERA AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!!
DAD: Why? What's happening?
ME: Just come out here with your camera!!
DAD: OK but I'll have to load it.
ME: HURRY! Grab my camera. It's ready. Just come now!
DAD: OK

By the time he emerged (with his camera) - it was too late. DRAT! I need a camera phone!!

But what he missed was this (try to visualize it in your mind) -

J.T. (Julian Threadgoode, my russian blue cat) was sitting on the cement driveway behind the black wrought-iron fence with the low sunlight glinting off of his pet tags. He stared, rather blankly, at me and then continued to scan the driveway, the neighborhood, the cars driving by on the free entrance which runs past the end of my cul de sac street.

At the top of the fence - just above the "Beware of Dog" sign (which still hangs there despite the fact that my dog has been dead for almost 2 years) - was an old chunky squirrel perched on the curve of the fancy part of the gate. He stared down at J.T. while the cat pretended not to notice and his fluffy tail matched the gate curve perfectly.

IT WAS GREAT!

AND IT'S GONE!

The squirrel eventually did run off and J.T. couldn't give less of a crap. They're probably friends. This is probably the same neighborhood squirrel that once bit my mother on the finger - leading her to call animal control to ask if she needed a rabies shot. (The laughing responder said "No but HOW did you get bit by a squirrel???" She'd been handfeeding it nuts and it got a little overzealous with its chewing.)

Steal that mutha - Jesus H!

'Tis the season for the holiday party, tacky christmas garments and the "unwrap the miscellaneous present and then steal it" game.

Tonight I found myself at the house of a former high school friend for a two-hostess party which was literally around the corner from my house. (I MapQuested the directions and was informed that it would take me "0 minutes" to drive there.)

Lelian (house owner, high school friend and hostess 2) was attired in a billowy white blouse thing (it's winter Lelian!) while she floated from guest to guest and did, at least once, try to get me to say two words. (Little did she realize that she just had to pour the champagne a little sooner.) (As soon as I'd had two glasses the tale of the Indian dot in the bathtub came out... good times were had by all! I'm so not PC.)

Lisa (hostess 1 and high school friend) wore a wonderful Christmas vest with snazzy reindeer adorning it. She figured she was a teacher and teachers wear those sorts of things. (The week prior I'd been in Old Navy with Miriam so that she could find an "un-teacherly" Christmas outfit to wear in front of her high school students.) (Side note: Did you ever realize how young your high school teachers were???)

And I in my kerchief... wore the tackiest set of things I could find which included a Paul Dini's "Jingle Belle" t-shirt (a freebie from my old job), two red socks (which didn't match), green jeans (army green... sorta didn't count), a literal jingle bell ornament (tied to a necklace) and a lovely Christmas tree broach (snatched from my mother's jewelry cabinet). With this ensemble I won the "Best Christmas Outfit" prize. (Lisa, with her vest, was not a contestant since she bought the prize - a blue cross ornament with the word "Peace" on it.) (Did I mention that we all went to the all girl's Catholic school?)

(I was dismayed, however, because I had a great tacky sweatshirt that I'd "donated" to Goodwill last year. Lost opportunities!)

Then came the present game! I, myself, had donated two "white elephants" to the grab bag - a "French writing portfolio" and an ice skating fabric snowman (both things my mother handed to me to regift). My friend Monica brought a purse that said "I Love Me" filled with questionable items leftover from a bachelorette party. Lisa supplied the gift section with a wide selection of empty, but pretty, (but empty) boxes. Other items were a mish mash of unwanted gifts and party favors.

When it was my turn I stole a lovely heated lotion dispenser ... which was eventually stolen from me. I, in turn, just HAD to have the below item. Somebody gave it to Lelian as a housewarming present (price tag intact) ($10.99 if you're curious) and she just sorta had NO IDEA what to do with it. I suggested it was for washing the feet of your guests. (Catholic humor.)

My favorite part about the item is the absolutely horrified/appalled look that people are giving me when I pull it out of its box to show it off. (And these are church-going folk!)

WHY did I steal it? So I could blog about it. But now that I've blogged about it I don't know what to do with it.

I think I'll put it on the porch filled with some lovely palm fronds.

6 more days until Jesus' birthday! ;)

What came first?

(Warning: If you haven't read the blog entry about the rooster - this blog may not make sense. Go back and read the entry entitled "R.I.P. Rooster" first.)

So I'm walking Mortimer the chihuahua when what do I spy behind the fence at the park edge but a GOD DAMNED CHICKEN!!

I think to myself, "FUCKING CHICKEN!!" (And in my head I pointed at it.)

I said aloud (to Mortimer), "Oh God!"

So then these thoughts ran through my head in no particular order:

-Was that the rooster's wife?
- Was that chicken here the whole time the rooster was?
- Who the fuck keeps dropping off poultry??!
- God damned Ghetto poultry keepers!
- Do I save the chicken? Is this like my second chance?
- That chicken better stay on the other side of the fence!
- Does the chicken know that the rooster is dead?
- Is she looking for the rooster?
- God damned chicken!!

And then I had an epiphany. (Adrea was witness to the epiphany as I was on the phone with her at the time.)

Down the block is an egg farm!

I'm in the movie Chicken Run!!

Coulda Shoulda Narnia

The Chronicles of Narnia have just been released in theaters with the subtle and disguised purpose of "neener neenering" me. Actually that might be the tagline. "The Lion, the Witch and the NEENER NEENER ERIN"

Years ago I was working as the Exec Assistant to my "Hollywood Boss" for a film related company that was closing down. She was the President of said company. She was minorly well known around town. (Enough well known that when I recently approached a temp agency the interviewer said, "Wow, Hollywood Boss. She's known as a tough cookie. How well did you work with her?") (My answer, if you're curious, was "She likes my weird so we coo.")

Being a minorly well known president of a company with the past history of VPing production at a major studio .... she was approached with a lot of different opportunities for something "next."

One of the opportunities was the Chronicles of Narnia. One of the big wigs at wherever called Hollywood Boss and said "You're it. I want you to produce this film. You're perfect." She said, "Eh. I was thinking about retiring." He said, "Please. You're it." So I calendared the meeting with Andrew Adamson (the director) and she went and had her coffee meeting.

First of all - she was late. She has a late problem... pyschologically I believe it is an effort at constantly proving her importance. People wait hours for her. Second of all - she told him outright that he couldn't use a real lion. He wanted to use a real one and animate the mouth like Babe. She said no.

She said no because she used to work on Circus of the Stars and once the lions had playfully swiped at Linda Carter (a.k.a. "Wonder Woman") and Linda said, "I quit. My face is all I've got!" So HB figured lion + kids = super bad idea.

But her no-can-do attitude meant that Adamson didn't want to work with HB and so ERIN DIDN'T GET TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND TO WORK ON THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA.

In a parallel universe - maybe she was a Yes-Can-Do on time boss and I'm now super successfully working as the assistant on all the Chronicles films and transferring that wisdom and experience to future projects... eventually leading to the writing and filming of my magnum opus.

In this universe I'm writing out the ISBNs of books for two bickering potential lesbians.

(In yet ANOTHER parallel universe.. I'm still writing that Broadway musical which will lead to fame, success and Tony awards.)

(In this one I'm thrilled because the two bickering lesbians buy me Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf ice blendeds in the morning.)

R. I. P. Rooster

Yesterday I killed a rooster.

It wasn't on purpose - I killed him by ignoring a problem (similar to when I walk by mumbling homeless people). I saw him days ago in the park where I walk the chihuahua, Mortimer, that I pet-sitt. At first I only heard him and thought, "What the hell???? Why do I hear a friggin' rooster near those ducks??" Then I caught sight of him walking along the perimeter of the park - sticking to the cement areas. WTF? I saw him the next night walking near the park but more in the parking lot and thought, "Maybe I should call animal control. Some ass probably dropped him hear because they didn't want him anymore!" But then I thought, "Nah! The park keepers probably have something they can do with him."

Then last night I walked Mortimer out of the condo complex gate and the rooster was there - just stepping BACK onto the curb near the bus stop and fluttering his wings in an "Oh holy shit! That was close!" sort of gesture. Mortimer wanted to attack but I picked him up and we walked carefully around the fellow (I do slightly fear birds... ever since the parrot attack) and continued into the park for our walk in the misty rain.

I know the exact moment when he died - it was when the trees started crying.

(Or that could have been when all the misty rain had finally laden the leaves enough for bigger drops to start falling.)

When we emerged back to the sidewalk I looked around carefully (scanning - preparing for sudden bird attacks) and then I saw him.... or what was left of him.... spread across the road.

GUILT PRESSED UPON MY SOUL! I could have herded the rooster back into the park and thus saved him. Or I could have called some animal department DAYS AGO! But alas I didn't... and I murdered he rooster.

My friend Adrea was coming over for fondue so I shared my disgust about myself with her but she assured me that it was OK... that roosters really weren't animals.

Regardless - I posted the following anonymous letter on Craigslist today:

Dear fuckface who dropped the rooster off in the Peck Water Conservation Park,

The rooster is dead. This is your fault. I'm sure you "thought" it was a good idea to get rid of your unwanted rooster (or your ghetto neighbor's annoying rooster) by dropping him off to spend the rest of his days in freedom amongst the wildlife at the park but let's analyze this ...

A) He was a rooster.
B) Roosters eat grain/feed/rooster food.
C) Roosters like to spend their time with hens.
D) The Peck park is full of ducks, bunnies, some feral cats, fish, ground squirrels and birds. (Note - No hens, no roosters.)
E) The ducks, bunnies, fish, feral cats, ground squirrels et al have adapted to (by evolutionary means or sheer fortitude) to life in the wild.
F) Ducks, bunnies, fish, feral cats, ground squirrels et al do NOT eat feed/grain/rooster food. The best you could really hope for was that the citizens who bring bread to the ducks might spare a few crusts for the rooster.

I give the rooster some credit - it tried to fit in with the ducks and attempted communication. But duck and rooster.... nope - NOT the same language.

It went something like this:

ROOSTER: Cock a doodle do. Cock a doodle.... doodle... do.
DUCK: Quack. Quack Quack.

It was impossible to begin with!

This would be like me going to Mexico and saying:

ME: Hello friends! I am hungry, alone and confused. Please help me.
THEM: (pointing finger at me) ** Mire, mexicano del compañero, de que mujer de discurso está intentando conseguir nuestra atención. Me pregunto lo que ella está diciendo. Podemos fingir esperar a escuchar un rato más adelante pero nos dejamos ahora no hacer caso de ella. Ella manejará en sus la propia. ** (Then they walk away en masse towards the steaming tamale pot.)

The rooster lasted in the park for several days until he decided, last night, to give up on trying. At approximately 6:45pm he commit suicide by stepping into oncoming traffic on Peck Road.

Not only have you sacrificed the life of one rooster - you've probably traumatized a poor El Montian who was suddenly face to face (or bumper to beak) with the ill-fated rooster.

So SHAME ON YOU for your initial bad taste in pets, or your evil neighbor pet stealing ways. And shame on the Park groundskeepers who probably have some sort of animal control on speed dial! The rooster wasn't exactly hiding!

Signed,

Rooster Mourner

And now kiddos - remember to value life! I'm lighting a candle and pouring a little corn on the ground for my lost homie.




** Alta Vista BabelFish says this means: "Look, fellow Mexicans, that speaking woman is trying to get our attention. I wonder what she is saying. We can pretend to listen for a while later but let's ignore her now. She'll manage on her own." Or actually it says it means, "Watch, Mexican of the companion, of which speech woman is trying to obtain our attention. I ask myself what she is saying. We can pretend to hope to listen more ahead awhile but we let ourselves now not pay attention to her. It will handle in his the own one."

A Simple Story in Two Complicated Parts

Part One

The first CD I ever bought was Madonna's "Like A Prayer" back when I was in 8th grade and my father had obtained a CD player by questionable means. He'd purchased hundreds of dollars of hair and skin care products, secretly, in order to qualify to win a car (the odds were supposed to increase in your favor when you purchased more product). Knowing my mother would freak if she found out what he had done, he hid all of the product under the bed. (You should note that my father is completely bald and thus has no need for hair care products.) And instead of the car he won a CD player! At the time it was still a big deal because they were new and expensive - but it wasn't a car. (And it would have been cheaper to buy the player outright.) (In the end it was OK because when my mother did find out she called up the credit card company and told them that it was an unauthorized purchase and they erased the charges... so in effect, it was free.)

We made a big deal of going to the Warehouse music store to purchase our family's first compact disc. Back then they still came in the long cardboard boxes (you youngn's might not remember them). My father peered at me a little wryly when I chose Madonna but I won out (after all he had hundreds of dollars of shampoo hidden under a bed) and we brought my purchase home. So there I was, 13 years old with a fascinating new piece of technology. I opened the box, removed the jewel case and opened it. What struck me first was the smell. The smell?? Yes - it had a smell. It wasn't an unpleasant smell but it was something unfamiliar to me so naturally I assumed it was the smell of all CD's. I listened to the item, enjoyed it and so the first CD was a success.

But since my first CD had a smell, whenever I opened a new CD I sniffed it. Imagine my surprise when none of the following purchases smelled the same as that initial Madonna CD. For YEARS I told people of this phenomenon and for YEARS people thought I was insane... sniffing my CDs and telling weird tales of Madonna. Finally I brought my CD into school and passed it around. Yes! Validation! A friend defined the smell as "dirt." OK... so my Madonna CD smelled like dirt. Odd... but at least other people could smell it. In college I was telling a new acquaintance this tale when she finally filled me in. "It's patchouli," she said. "The 'Like a Prayer' CDs were scented with patchouli oil." (As if it was common knowledge.)


Part Two

My family travels frequently and as frequent travelers with "collecting" habits we amass large stockpiles of mini-shampoos, mini-conditioners, mini-soaps, mini-shower gels, shower caps, shoe-shine kits, 2 cup pouches of coffee grounds and whatever else some hotel might give us. Mom always taught me to empty the little basket in the room, hide the supply of shampoo et. al. so that each day they would refill the in-room basket. Having ALL of this travel-sized product it finally ocurred to me that I could use it when I housesit (or, God forbid, when I travel!). So last night I'm housesitting and I decided to take an evening shower. I brought three items, courtesy of the Seven Feather Indian Casino, in with me - a shampoo, a conditioner and a shower gel. I followed normal shower procedures and then broke out the little bottle of shower gel. I opened it and began to lather when it ocurred to me that this shower gel was patchouli scented.


So there I was - in the shower - smelling like a prayer.

A Silvermany Sort of Day

It was a Sarah Silvermany day!

I went to see Sarah Silverman: JESUS IS MAGIC in the afternoon. Eh. It was OK. If you're lucky enough to be cool like me and have seen Sarah in person on more than one occasion - then there's not much new in the comedy concert film that you probably wouldn't recognize. The exceptions are the vignettes... which were probably much funnier at conception than they came across in real life.

Though the Amazing Grace performance at the end... CLASSIC!

Favorite joke: That's just retarded. And by "retarded" I mean THEY CAN DO ANYTHING!

Of course I went with Miriam and afterwards she kept telling me, "Erin, you can do ANYTHING!" with a wonderful smirk on her face.

But Erin, how does one Sarah Silverman movie constitute a "Sarah Silvermany sort of day?"

Great question, dear readers!

After our afternoon movie outing and then beers with dinner at The Yard House in Pasadena (and by "beers" I mean "a 50% ale/50% pear cider mix called a Snakebite" since I find beer disgusting) we went to see RENT!!!!

EXCELLENT! LOVED IT! I really want to go to a sing-a-long performance because it was HARD to not burst into song! It had my dumb heart in my throat the whole time. It's one of those movies I immediately put on my mental "to own" list. (OK yes... I did overkill play it in college so it was a little like one of those CDs you used to love but now want to skip through.) I much preferred Rosario Dawson to the original MiMi. (Sorry. The original Mimi's voice bugged me.) But as musicals to screen go... Chicago still has me wonderstruck. Of course that could be due to my lust for both Renee Zelwegger and Catherine Zeta Jones.

AND (to tie back into the theme of this blog) Sarah Silverman had a cameo as "Alexi Darling" - the art-killing tabloid TV producer!

Moment of Awkward Humor (brought to you by the Brady's)

So Friday night I go out with Miriam and her sisters (plus two German foreign exchange teenagers) to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Now Nora, Miriam's middle sister (24), works for the Loyola University of New Orleans (her alma mater) as a student recruiter for the music school. And she was, up until a few months ago, living in New Orleans.

After the movie Miriam notices Nora's blouse and says, "I have a blouse just like that. In fact... I haven't seen that blouse in a while! Did you take it?" (Followed by a "I'm just kidding, OMG!" face directed towards Nora.)

Clare, the youngest sister (16 years old) starts laughing and pointing at Nora and making a "Ha Ha! You got caught stealing!" face.

Nora put her head down and mocked an "I'm not entertained" expression before she looked at the both of them, whipped out her Katrina card and said, "You realize you're making fun of someone who lost all of their clothes in a cataclysmic flood, don't you?!"

Then there was silence as this was not funny.

Now I don't mean "not funny" as in we all took a moment of silence to feel bad for her. I mean "not funny" as in her comedy really needs work because at no point was anyone making fun of her. Rather there was an implied fictional situation that was on display as the "funny." She whipped out the Hurricane card for nothing... obviously she'd been waiting for the opportune moment and she wasted it. Poor Nora.

(On a sidenote: I looked up "cataclysmic" on Dictionary.com just to make sure I was using it correctly and noticed that one of the definitions of "cataclysm" is "devastating flood". So when I say "cataclysmic flood" am I really saying "devastating flood-like flood"?)

Universal problems

Every once in a while you bump into one of those problems within a fictional universe.

For example - in Mr. and Mrs. Smith (the Bradjelina version) Adam Brody was seen wearing a "Fight Club" t-shirt while under interrogation by Brad Pitt. (Thanks to T for pointing this out.) This is a problem that should cause some sort of collapse (a la Donnie Darko) because, as we all know, Brad Pitt was IN Fight Club. So if Adam Brody was really a fan of Fight Club... then he should have been like, "Dude, you're Brad Pitt."



There's another one in Golden Girls when the actor who later played Rose's "Miles" also played an earlier character within the series. This is a problem. When he came back as Miles... no one recognized him.

Etc. Etc.

Tonight I was watching FRIENDS and there was one of these problems ... Isabella Rossellini was in Central Perk and Ross was hitting on her because she was on his list of the 5 celebrities he was allowed to sleep with. He had his list laminated on a wallet card and she asked to see it - she wasn't on it. He explained that since she was international he'd bumped her off the list and replaced her with Winona Ryder because she was "local."

THUS the problem within the FRIENDS universe (which, incidentally, is also the Caroline in the City, The Single Guy and the Mad About You universe... which means that it's also The Nanny universe...and if you can think of any more crossovers let me know)... because as we ALL know... Winona Ryder was in an episode as Rachel's old friend that she girl-kissed!!




So.... when you're writing your famous scripts... all I ask is that you pay attention.

Thoughts for the Day

Thought 1: If anyone says that God is on their side... I think that automatically means that God is on the other side by default.

Thought 2: See-saws can be awesome, if done right. However, I was always the heavy kid going nowhere with some littler kid stuck in the air screaming on the other side. I've had maybe one good see-saw experience, with a fluid give and take, in my life.

AllOfASuddenDecisionCool

Some of the best things in life are the impromptu decisions that lead to adventures! I love adventures. "Adventures" in Erin-land are basically when you're walking or driving along and you say something like, "Hey....what happens if we turn left?" and that silly decision leads to things like Taysha and I at a thrift store buying a giant, damn, dirty television and wrestling it back to our dorm in a taxi.

The second best thing to "adventures" are the all of a sudden movie plans. For example... "We could go see a movie." "Sure, what time." "In ten minutes." "To the horses, Pronto!"

I had one of these experiences in Boston during my trip East.

Chrissy: Well it's 10 - we could call it a night or see a movie.

Erin: Movie!

Chrissy: Really? I was just kidding but OK. Shall we go to the new theater next to Emerson?

Erin: To the horses, Pronto!

We decided upon A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE since we were both curious about it. Hooboy! Not what I expected. I mean, granted, "violence" was in the title but with the very dramatic looking Viggo on the movie poster... I was expecting something of Oscar caliber.



The note in the beginning credits that said "Based on a Graphic Novel" (a.k.a. "comic book") should have really prepared us. Lots of graphic violence (for example, Viggo stomps on a man's throat as a way of killing him) and a slew of overly dramatic bad guys and drama pauses. Not something I recommend, really.

Last night I was celebrating my godmother's birthday with my immediate family and Miriam (cuz she still celebrates family functions with me at my request). On the way out of the restaurant I picked up a "Campus Circle" magazine which featured a big ad on the back for Sarah Silverman's new movie, Jesus is Magic, which neither of us had previously heard about. Miriam freaked (we love Sarah Silverman!) and demanded that we make an attempt to watch it. It was 9:30 - it started at 9:40... we rushed and drove and ran and got to the theater at 9:55 but it was sold out anyway. (Sarah Silverman WAS supposed to be there in person and apparently she was on Howard Stern that morning promoting it ... so we were doomed.)

But since we were at the theater anyway (and this was our local quirky midnight movie theater that plays Rocky Horror and usually something good on Friday nights) I backed out to the sidewalk and leaned back to read the marquee. I saw the letters L E G...a little further.... B I L L I....

WHAT THE FUCK???? THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN?!?!?!? TONIGHT?!?!??! I FUCKING LOVE THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN!!!!

So then I spent the next couple of hours begging and pleading to find someone to see ONLY THE BEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER (after, you know, the other best movies ever) with me. I finally gave up and decided that I would be a grown up and go alone. (Something that I was completely capable of in Boston but somehow never capable of at home.) (I had missed the opportunity to see TEEN WITCH and CLUE at the midnight screenings and still haven't forgiven myself... thus the decision to go despite lack of company.) Miriam ended up coming through at the last minute because she decided she'd not be able to sleep if I went to the Nuart alone because of all the crazies. (It should be noted that she had a bad experience with the crazies... but at the RHPS and back in high school.)

Anyway.... so I got to see my movie. Gawwwwwwwwwdddd that movie is good! Especially when all the Billie Jean wannabes are passing her along on some sort of underground Billie Jean railroad. Makes me wanna wear a wetsuit top, pump my fists in the air and steal shit from toy stores! Today I'm feeling a little invincible! (Actually... a little tired and grouchy but had to work that Pat Benatar reference in anyway.)

Survivor

I just survived a terrible accident.

There I was, minding my own business, when the soap got away from me. I took a step towards it, slipped on a "soap just made this slippery" spot, completely lost all sense of balance and the world around me and toppled out of the shower.

There I was... lying on the floor, legs still inside the tub, tangled in the curtain and the curtain ROD that came down with me, shower head spraying water all over me and the rest of the bathroom. I sat (if you can call it sitting) there for maybe two minutes - dazed and really confused as to just how the hell I was going to get up. Finally, I managed to turn over, grip the floor and push backwards back into the offending bathtub - careful not to slip on the soapy spot again. And then I decided to finish the shower with the rod/curtain tangle still on the floor because what the hell - everything's already wet anyway!

But I seem to have injured nothing except my pride. (Which, since there were no witnesses, I could have saved from injury but I instead decided to tell you all about it and assault that pride.)

In times like these I'm reminded that I must have guardian angels/spirits/whatever... because I could have hit my head on the sink or a variety of other things on the way down but I'm fine. Maybe a little bruise on my ass but I think I'm still in adrenaline shock and don't know what hurts yet.

Bored

 

My first single.

TGMT

THE GAY MARRIAGE THING (a documentary featuring the marriage of my two big sisters) just got itself a blog: http://sassymedia.blogspot.com/

Post-Halloween Wrap-Up

This year marks the first time that I've spent Halloween in a significant location for a significant reason (huh?) - Rhode Island and Massachusetts. I figured, "My friend Jeff loves Halloween and horror movies and always seems to be doing nothing on Halloween. I'm usually doing nothing horribly exciting on Halloween night. Why don't I go and do nothing significant on Halloween with Jeff and spread it out over a week?!" So I did!

(Jeff still feels bad because we ended up doing nothing on Halloween... but that's what I WENT there for!)

My goal was to subject myself to horror movies, which I usually avoid at all costs choosing to deal primarily in the "thriller" genre. It was a sort of trial by fire week. Jeff is somewhat of a horror expert with 6 bookshelves 90% full of horror DVDs, stacks of Fangoria magazines, and a brain full of slasher knowledge... he could be that Jamie Kennedy character from SCREAM. (The other 10% of his DVD collection is British TV shows.) And I threw in some other Halloween tradition-type things as well.

The horror flicks/shows I can now say I've seen are:

- DAWN OF THE DEAD (the original) (I found it boring and fell asleep)
- HALLOWEEN (Eh! Didn't scare me. Dangit.)
- SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (Gratuitous boob shots... script written by notorious lesbian feminist Rita Mae Brown) (P.S. Not scary. Not that funny.)
- 4 misc. episodes of TALES FROM THE CRYPT (this ain't new...I'd watched these when they were on originally)
- Showtime's first episode of their new "Masters of Horror" series entitled "Incident On and Off a Mountain Road" (Which was actually quite good! I'd watch it again - the twist ending was exciting.)
- HAUTE TENSION (a.k.a. "Switchblade Romance" in the UK) (a.k.a. "High Tension" in the U.S.) (Omigod I loved it! Jeff bought it for me afterwards as a "many missed birthdays" present. If you've seen it - it'll not be surprising to you that I loved it. If you haven't - I'm not going to ruin it for you.)
- FRIGHT NIGHT
- AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
- And I spent a lot of time watching little segments of horror flicks/shows that I've either already seen or need to catch up on later like FRIGHT NIGHT 2, EXCORCIST 2, POLTERGEIST (seen), NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETs (several pieces of several), FRIDAY THE 13THs (several pieces of several), VAMPIRE BATS (my mother was nice enough to tape that for me - I still have to watch it) and several "hauntings" shows




The Jack-O-Lantern tradition was taken care of by my friend Chrissy who invited me to a carving party in Boston last Thursday! The hostess was a Martha Stewart in the making who had pre-laid out carving tools, bowls for the goopy innards, pre-printed designs for the non-creative, ziplocks with recipes for the pumpkin seeds and served us up wine and lasagna.

(Another mutual friend said to Chrissy, "I'll bet Erin's gonna carve a raven!" So I did. To satisfy the masses.)






And Chrissy also introduced me to her family tradition of Halloween donuts! Her papa cooks 'em up using a rhyming recipe that sounds like a witch's spell. We ate those on carving night while fishing out pumpkin seeds from the gourd's gutty goodness.

I cooked those, seasoned with salt, pepper and cinnamon (the only spices I could find in Jeff's cupboards), on Halloween day.



Friday I added my own "tradition" to the mix - my traditional visit to Newbury Street's "Gargoyles, Chimeras and More" store. (I love that place! The same stuff is in there that was in there when I went to college.. it must be some sort of front for some seedy money laundering business... but it's just so creepy!) Chrissy was entertained... specifically by a piece of "art" writing that told the story of sex with a gazelle.

A Horror-a-thon complete with pizza was held at the home of a friend of Jeff's later that night. (That's where we watched Dawn of the Dead and some of the Tales From The Crypts.)

Saturday we attempted to see the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE at a place called "The Cable Car Cinema & Cafe" ... but the newspaper misprinted the time as "Noon" when the screening was at midnight. It began raining heavily that night so we skipped the midnight screening. (It had been snowing in the afternoon - that's just wrong!)

Halloween was, itself, low key. One of Jeff's parents' cats died so he spent half the day with them and the other half too depressed to dress up. I entertained myself during my alone time by watching several of the aforementioned horror titles, making the baked pumpkin seeds and coming up with a reason to mess up my face in a horrific fashion.

Here is the elaborate mini-story that I came up with for my facial Halloween display: One day I was walking through my village minding my own business when some toe-headed little bad boy pointed his grubby finger at me and said, "Bitch, Bitch, You're A Witch!" Thus accused I was accosted by the town witch-hunters, beaten badly about the face, had my face ground into the ground (!), had the runic symbols that spelled out "Cursed" carved into my head by a rather perverse minister and finally I was strung up to be hung (but they didn't do it right so I just bruised badly and the rope rubbed open a neck wound). (This explains my injuries... but I had no actual "costume" to go with it.)

(Erin, can we please see that make-up design step by step?) Why sure! How nice of you to ask!

Just for you then (you pleasant little thing you!):

Stylized "bed-head" and initial neck wound marking



Initial "outer bruising" on neck




Bruise shading (Actually this is about 5 steps into the bruise shading)




Black eye, scraped and torn nose, scrapes about the mouth, "CURSED" carved in the forehead




"Thick blood" and "coagulated blood" fun is applied to a variety of places...




... including the gaping neck wound (which also employs the use of liquid latex... as do other wounds on the face)




And Voila! Presto Chango! We have a completely @$%#ed up face! (Which I then sat around watching TV in.)




Jeff's self-assigned job was candy-passer-outer and he took his title seriously! He, on more than one occasion, chased a few kids down to let them know that he HAD CANDY!



His $30 dollars worth of "Fun Sized" bits of candy trademarks were passed out to children, some who didn't even bother dressing up, while I finished up Hot Tension (yes, I wrote "Hot" intensionally). And then we watched Prison Break. And Degrassi Jr. High. I went to bed with no nightmares to speak of. (Though there had been two questionable haunting experiences in my guest room earlier in my stay - so there was potential for a good scare.)

And THAT was Erin's Halloween 2005 East Coast Extravaganza! (Hooray for giant summaries with pictures!) I have been left with a (probably false) sense of security about horror movies and how I can now handle them just fine! (Though as I write this the house is dark.... and I'm not so sure about that.)

The D.A. (Dumbledore's Army?)

I finally decided to join the D.A. I'd thought about it before but I always thought you had to be reeeealllly good. Apparently - this is not the case. Apparently I am good enough. Also - I didn't know you could submit writing stuff!! News to me!

So after Mert sent me his gallery I decided to throw a load of stuff at a page of my own.

I now have a decent "gallery" set-up and you can view some of my artsy riff raff at DEVIANT ART. Erin's "Showing"

Almost Famous

Keep your eyes here and at this website, www.Shree.TV, and be on the lookout for my acting debut. Papa John and I have cameos (if we weren't edited out) in "Trailer Trash Diaries"

Deep Thoughts

I am yet again reminded (I constantly remind myself) to not apply for jobs that I'm not interested in. Inevitably - they are always the ones that call me back. Why? I don't know. It's annoying. Today New Line Cinema called - YAY! For the legal affairs assistant job - BOO! I decided to turn down the interview. (I know I know!!! But stuck drafting legal briefs and acting as a lawyer's "gatekeeper" sounded like slow death. Why even interview? With my luck, I'd get it.)

So I housesit again - as my current main source of income. Which is really nothing.

But the perks of this particular assignment is the chihuahua that adores me (I'm the cool babysitter) and the water conservation lake he lives next to. We walk a path around this prairie-like landscape by the water's edge twice a day.

Many thoughts occur to me during this walk. One of them is, "This is totally like some place at the beginning of Law & Order where some jogger and her dog stumble across a corpse."

And today, "Is a duck happier in the water or in the air? They're equally at home in both. Do they get teased by other birds for sitting in the water all day - because you have to admit, that's kind of odd. Are there 'funny because it's true' bird ethnic jokes? Do species regard their close cousins as 'races'? Penguins, ducks, nightingales, crows, seagulls - do they each have a stereotype? I hate baboons because they have harems."

Well anyway - next week I'm off to to the EAST! (Wagons, ho!)

AintJaMama makes me giggle

Hearts & Hospitals

Last week my dad had a heart valve replacement surgery (they took at his aortic valve and replaced it with a cow's). The surgery went super fast, he recovered at an average pace (and I spent most of the last week at the hospital) and today he's already back home. (This is now the 4th time I've been hanging out at hospitals during surgeries or procedures this year! The last one being Queen Barb's tummy tuck.)

I've suggested that he pass out candy while shirtless - showing off his brand new bone-saw wound and scaring the kiddies... but he's a quiet, passive man... and he doesn't play along on Halloween! But just in case I snagged two of those sticky snap things that they put on your chest to monitor your heart and stuff... I figure he can put them on his neck as faux bolts a la Frankenstein's monster.

But in all seriousness - I'm glad he's home now. Hospitals have a way of taking all of your dignity away. First of all - you're walking around in a loose-fitting dress showing off all of your whozits to whoeverthehell. Second - everyone talks to you like you're a baby.

When the pediatrician said to me (at 13), "Next time we'll take a look at your tummy!" I spit on doctors and never returned! (Until I had pneumonia at 22... and the doctor said, "If you were any older, you might be dead." The only reason I hadn't resigned to being completely bedridden was because my girlfriend was saying, "You don't have pneumonia, you hypochondriac wussy! Walk it off!!" Then when she discovered that her dad had pneumonia... and she hadn't been feeling real well... that she actually had pneumonia and was giving it to everybody!! Then she called and said, "Oh shit! Go to a doctor!" Also, I'd just started my sound designing internship with the Oscar award winning sound guy.... and I thought I better keep showing up to work. Inability to breathe or not!)

Anyway - back on topic - I hate hospitals! And most doctors!

And especially nurses who don't give a shit and talk down to grown adults and say things like, "Did you make a poo poo today?"

Fuckers.

After a few days in we had to pack a "flavor kit" for my dad because the food sucked so bad. (Of course, he's 75 and has lost most of his taste buds anyway... so he likes his stuff spicy.) We brought him horseradish, tobasco, mustard, syrup, peanut butter (which was key), brown sugar and salsa. I think I'll pack a kit of things to bring to me if I should ever be in a hospital. Or at least pre-plan it. First and foremost - UNDERFUCKINGWEAR!! Several pairs, actually. Good solid tempurpedic style pillows. A warm blanket (it was FuhReezing there!). A toothbrush and toothpaste. Contact lens solution/glasses/etc. A book. In my flavor kit: Sour cream, cheddar cheese, parmesan cheese, ketchup, peanut butter (creamy).

Some might say that I overplan. You should see me when I travel - I always have a "worst case scenario" section of my luggage/backpack.

But back to Dad... I appealed to all the appropriate dead people and requested that he be OK and so far so good.

Jesus H.

What does Jesus say to you?

To me, Jesus says, "Do not smile at ginger people, they cry inside. "

(Post what Jesus says in the comments.)

October

Halloween is coming!

(I'm working on some potential costume concepts.)

Banjitar

Tuesday night I was convinced that I should check out a chick singer at the somewhat local Irish Pub (there’s many… are any of them REALLY Irish?). Pub schmub… it’s just a bar. I hate bars! But I agreed because… well… chick singers! So A took me to O’Brien’s to listen to Janet Robin (whom I’d never heard of prior but who has a hardcore rockin’ style like a proper student of Melissa Etheridge).

I adored the four singers (the “Songwriter’s on Tap”) and it was a bonus that it was a “no cover” Tuesday evening (which means – free entry & low attendance… so Erin is properly comfortable and not annoyed). I did feel it necessary to offer their establishment SOME money so I purchased a Midori Sour… my new “old standby” for when any given joint is tapped out of pear cider. (Really… there’s like 2 places that I know of that actually have my hard cider drinks on tap. I don’t expect it… BUT IT WOULD BE NICE, BAR GODS!) So that cost me 8 bucks (including tip).

My two favorites of the evening was a shy, long-haired Italian dude named Clarence (something, goddamnit! Can’t figure it out!!) who sounded like a soulful black man when he sang his tunes and Libbie Schrader (http://www.myspace.com/libbieschrader) who pumped her keyboard with a playing/writing/singing style a la Sarah Mc/Tori/Michelle Branch.

And my other new favorite is the Banjitar!

Two Big Kudos for the frikkin’ Banjitar!




What, pray tell, is a Banjitar? Well, my good pupil, a Banjitar is a cross-between a banjo and a guitar!! Janet Robin played this heavenly instrument for mine own ears!

Since I’m a pseudo-country girl with a newer sort of love for the bluegrass sound – it was awesome to hear a twangy-rocky mix all bundled into one instrument. I think I will now seek out Banjitar music. Or better yet – teach myself the Banjitar!!

I’ll have to schedule that right after my 5-10 year stint in Ireland acting as an apprentice Uilleann Pipe maker (as I hear that’s the only proper way to get one/learn to play one).

(Uilleann Pipe = the Irish bagpipe, played with a hand-pumped bellows instead of blowing into a bag…. Sounds like your soul ripping apart from sorrow… I heart the Uilleann Pipe most of all, Toto!)

Trials and Tribulations

T laid out some step by step hair styling directions for me to achieve "something flippy" and I attempted to follow them "to a T"! (ha!) (sorry)

"T's Directions:
1) a deep conditioner, preferably pantene deep condiitoner treatment
2) paul mitchelle detangler to avoid knots
3) a little frizz ease mousse
4) blow-dry with brush
5) frizz ease serum
6) straightner

And you will achieve the look in the picture, though w/o the blondness!"

And, just like I cook, I had had to make some substitutions along the way.

1) I stole some "deep conditioners" from my mother's shower (all I had was straightening and curling shampoos and conditioners). I used some Aveda something or other (with color in it to add some auburn???) and some other Nutrio (er something) deep conditioning shampoo.

2) I borrowed some of mom's Bedhead curling spray (I realize this is not a detangler but somehow since it was a spray I felt it somehow counted)

3) I blowdried with a diffuser.



4)To calm the crazy I brushed and re-blowdried (from underneath like the barber-lady told me) sans diffuser. By now I'd achieved someTHING flippy.



5) I had some Paul Mitchell straightening serum (which also purported to calm frizz) - added that and re-brushed. By now I'd styled a hair helmet a la Sally Field in STEEL MAGNOLIAS.



6) And finally - the straightener. (I assumed that T meant the plugin heated kind.)

And now I have some sort of shaggy rock star flippy chic (for the hour... until the flips refurl (?) back into their normal water-buffalo look).

I got a call for an interview on Thursday so I had to put my hunt for haircut into overdrive and decided upon something flippy.




(And wondered... will my hair ever behave that way? Really?)

So working with the suggestion of two separate people who didn't know each other I went to Rudy's Hair Salon in Silverlake. I felt cool by association when I went in there. It was a big vaulty-warehouse type of space (supposedly a converted garage) with trendy magazines and punk rock stylists. My hair was done by a chick that reminded me of a cross between Chrissy Hynde and Gina Gershon in Prey For Rock and Roll (except with funky spiky red & black hair). She was great! She walked me through each cut she did, explained why she was doing it, didn't intimidate me in the slightest... etc. etc. And I left feelin' rockin!

But then my hair does what it does and now I feel like I look like a nun fresh without her habit. Eek. (It'll grow back! It'll grow back! It'll grow back!)

Before and After:



(Note the non-smiling "after" picture.)

However... I do look more like Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club now.

I'm extra creepy cuz I just fell down.

Sometimes I'm quite easily entertained by something not incredibly funny... but if it's funny to me I can laugh repeatedly for hours. Quotes out of context are particularly entertaining. My quote out of context for the weekend is "I'm extra creepy because I just fell down."

But I decided to give you context.

So after watching The Celluloid Closet my new friend "A" decided to rent THE CHILDREN'S HOUR. (Here's a brief summary with SPOILER) Audrey Hepburn and Shirley Maclaine run a school for girls (and have been best friends since college). One of their students is an evil she-brat who is trying to get out of going back to school so she tells her influential grandma that Audrey and Shirley are evil unnatural lesbians. Grandma then tells all the parents - girls get taken out of the school - Audrey & Shirley lose their libel case and have their reputations permanently tarnished. Then Shirley comes to grips with "Oh shit! I'm an unnatural lesbian after all! I want to have hot unnatural relations with Audrey-friend!" - and then outs herself to Audrey. THEN influential grandma finds out that the she-brat was lying and swears to reinstate the reputation of our two protagonists. But TOO LATE... Shirley's said too much to Audrey! So she makes the appropriate decision for evil unnatural lesbians and hangs herself from the nearest rafter. The End.

Well at some point during the viewing "A" got a little shifty and fidgety because she's a bad film student and doesn't like black and white flicks and since I'd already seen the last half of the movie we started doing a bad lesbian-themed MST3K heckling of events. So ... when Grandma finds out that she-brat granddaughter was lying about the teachers she gives the granddaughter a stare down. When the granddaughter won't come down the stairs to take her punishment like a man, grandma starts walking towards her... and she trips and falls. There's a moment of "Oh Crap! Look at what that evil kid made her do. She made grandma not look in front of her when she was stare-walking!!" before Grandma gets up... and is (yes, you guessed it) "extra creepy because she just fell down!" Haaaaaaaaaaa



But at least Shirley Maclaine was a cute unnatural deviant. (And I'm saying things like that more now because I've started to have some non-straight acquaintances and they expect these things that were previously just in my head to be said aloud. And you'd think it would be somehow freeing but it's just weird!)

Catgirl

The problem with managing my time like a cat (napping during the day, sleeping in and generally being nocturnal) is that I very often encounter the damn updates of websites that take place at "godawful" hours and I can't do the shit I wanna do!

Harry Recycled Witch

I love it! I love it so much it feels familiar. I may have posted this a long ass while ago... or this may be the first time I've seen it.

Harry Potter compared to The Worst Witch

Thumbsucker

Last night I saw a free screening of Thumbsucker (which is one of those movies that I'll mildly enjoy but I might find GENIUS after I read the novel its based on). It was cute... I thought the plot was mildly vague. The presenter compared it to Napoleon Dynamite (hate that movie) or Garden State (mildly enjoyed). Of the two it was definitely more like Garden State with a Real Women Have Curves ending. (What is about 'moving to the big city' that makes everybody free and happy??)

However this isn't a review! This movie stirred up some memories and so I decided to list a few of them.

But first:

Hello, my name is Erin, and I'm a recovered thumbsucker. I was a thumbsucker until I was 16. (Yes, it's true!)

That's one of my many kept "secrets" (of which I have no real kept secrets because at least one person knows every one of my secrets since I can't keep secrets).

Unlike the Thumbsucker character, I ONLY sucked my thumb at bed time and ONLY with my special knit "blankie" with the Tweety Bird on it.

And now... memories:

- The disgusting tasting thumb method of cutting the habit - I *think* I remember that method being used on me. At least I remember that there were occasions when my thumb didn't taste so good and that there might have been a specific evil reason for it.

- When my parents renewed their vows and had a proper wedding ceremony (I was about 7) they hired a cleaning service to come in and scour the house (where the reception was being held). This was when Blankie 1 disappeared!!!! Being me and knowing that my parents didn't want me to suck my thumb anymore - I accused them of paying the maids to discard my blankie! (More likely they probably thought the tattered thing was a rag and took it with them.) I was DEVASTATED!! I couldn't sleep for days!! I needed some kind of replacement but HOW COULD MY BLANKIE BE REPLACED?? The answer - #2 Blankie. This was actually it's name. Had it a birth certificate it would read "Number Two Blankie Lillis." #2 Blankie was #1 Blankie's first cousin. There was a bigger, fuzzier 3rd cousin but he didn't slip so well between my fingers and thumb. You see I needed to Smell the blankie while I sucked. It was the soft blankie and the dryer sheet smell that calmed me to sleep. (Please don't ask.. I don't know the psychological reasoning behind it but yes, I'm sure it had to do with being weened from the breastfeeding too soon or something.)

- Once I was finally used to it, #2 Blankie was THE one and only acceptable blankie. My mother would often steal the blankie (after laundering it) and hide it in her room. I remember going on several blankie hunts but always finding the blankie in the end. (My nights were really sleepless when I didn't have it.)

- I recall that when I was a bit older my mother and I sat down and had a discussion (let's say I was 10) about giving up the blankie. (I'm not sure if it was really the blankie they wanted rid of or the thumbsucking as well.) Knowing how badly I reacted to the original blankie disappearing and the tantrums I'd throw when she'd steal it - this time she folded it neatly, put it in a paper bag, sealed it. labeled it with a Sharpie (Erin's Blankie) and put it in my closet. We decided that, yes, it was time to give up the blankie. I would try to sleep without it... but if there were an emergency I'd know where it was. I think I made it one night without #2 Blankie before I ripped the bag open.

- I remember being self-conscious of my sucking thumb because the nail looked a little different. It was always shorter than the rest of my nails and a little softer (as you can well imagine).

- At some point it became a "fuck you" to society. I had several thumbsucker friends... and slowly they were giving it up... until by highschool I was the only one that I knew left. When going to the dentist they would tell me about my overbite and ask why ... I would always lie and say "I used to suck my thumb."

- Thumbsucking was one of the slew of reasons that I never really cared for sleepovers... I was too embarassed to bring my blankie but couldn't sleep without it.

- What finally had me give up the habit was distraction (or so we'll call her for the blog entry). It became an off and on thing and the moment I realized that I could actually fall asleep without the blankie I would sleep with it near me... or do a "sleepover" without it... or keep it under my pillow. And the thing is that I couldn't suck my thumb without the blankie... so the thumbsucking just fell by the wayside. It also occurred to me that I just couldn't do it anymore by the time I got to college so it was time to cut the habit on my own. (You see when it was MY decision - it worked.)

- And as a "just in case"... I believe I did take a patch of #2 Blankie with me to college.

And though I did eventually get some orthodontic work (but not braces) - I never bothered to fix my thumbsucker's overbite.

What Erin does for Fun!

How I kill some of my spare time:





(And then of course taking pictures of the slaughtered lemon, adding photoshop text and uploading useless pictures to blogs.)

Whoah

This blog was the header on Blogger today:

http://twinkieexperiment.blogspot.com/

Apparently two twins are trading places and blogging about the experience.

Grapple with Grape-L

Dad's on an organic/fruit/vegetable kick at the moment. Which is actually quite difficult for him because he's an "I only like vegetables from cans!" type of guy. The sad aspect of this is that he is doing it as a last minute attempt at heart health because he has a faulty valve and will need surgery soon. He's obviously a little scared because he keeps saying things like "I think I'll buy a new table saw ... but not until after surgery." (Which makes me think he's either afraid of the cost of the surgery... or worse, not surviving the surgery.) (Which I'm not thinking about! I'm not thinking about! I'm not thinking about!)

But on the organic/fruit/vegetable kick he brought home a box of "Grāpple™ brand apples" (pronounced Grape-L) which advertised that they "looked like an apple but tasted like a grape." Initially I thought that these were some cool new hybrid fruit like the Pluots we've been seeing (and eating) everywhere lately (Pluot = Half Plum/Half Apricot). I've even been informed that the next big thing is going to be Strawmatos (Half Strawberry/Half Tomato) imported from out of the country. But as I bit into a Grāpple I soon realized THIS IS NO HYBRID! This is an apple injected with artificial grape flavoring!! (And then I read the same on the plastic container they came in.) They didn't taste like grapes!! They tasted like purple candy!! Yeah they were nasty! (Unless you like purple candy.)

Grāpple

Pulp Culture

I'm in love with Jennifer Rapp.

Her art makes me laugh aloud... and a little maniacally at that.



(You can find the Teetersaw Tales cards here: http://www.pulpcouture.com and view her site at http://www.teetersaw.com)

Charity

My charity of choice in Katrina-relations:

Where are they now?

I've been a fan since 1992 but the November 1990 issue of "16" just brought to my attention something I wasn't aware of!

"The TV-Tattler - Meet the GLORY DAYS Boys!"

Betcha those hot new dudes caught you eye this summer - the stars of Fox-TV's limited series about four friends was a grabber. Who grabbed YOU the most?

NICHOLAS KALLSEN played Peter "T-Bone" Trigg, the one who was good-natured but usually broke! In real life, Nick's a total newcomer: He's never been on TV before! He studied theater at Boston University and had bit parts in the movies Say Anything and The Gambler.
BRAD PITT was Walter Lovejoy, the high school jock who, cut from his college team, quit to become a reporter. Brad's an LA babe you've seen before - on Growing Pains and in Dallas.
SPIKE ALEXANDER was the insecure rookie cop Dave Rutecki - in real life, Spike (whose real name is Stephen) is a TV tyro, whose one previous credit was a bit part on The Cosby Show. He's not new to performing, though: Spike's an accomplished lead dancer with the American Ballet Company.
EVAN MIRAND played Dominic Fopiano, the freshman struggling to overcome his working-class background. A native New Yorker, Evan's been in many stage productions and a few TV movies as well!



Mr. Kallsen has been in one thing since GD - "The Seventh Coin."
Mr. Alexander has been in a few more things, including the TV show "N.Y.P.D. Mounted."
Mr. Mirand was also in "N.Y.P.D. Mounted" and in a movie called "Fight Club."
Mr. Pitt... well he's been busy.

Some news about some stuff

Here's a smattering of how some landmarks are faring in NOLA:


AP News - Landmarks affected by Katrina

Katrina Points

I wanted to write a little something about Katrina but I didn't know how to put it into one cohesive post so here's just some thoughts and snippets.

- I've been watching a cycle of The Weather Channel, CNN Headline News and CNN (my Hurricane Katrina headquarters!) since probably Sunday night. I've been watching video feeds on the Internet. From predictions, to hurricane path watches, to past comparisons... and then to flood maps, and during-storm-wind shots and etc. I feel very involved in the whole process yet still I know nothing.

- Why have I been involved in the process? Well for one - Miriam's sister Nora lives there (or "lived" there... now she's on her way back to L.A.). Two - I finally visited New Orleans last year and now feel a sort of attachment to it. Three - Anne Rice vampires. Four - Ghosts. And most importantly, Five - if a hurricane of "biblical proportions" was going to submerge a city - I fucking wanted to witness that shit live!

- I could rant about the government and the shit they ain't doing fast enough but the person that peeved me the most was the head of FEMA who said (in response to the question "why weren't there National Guardsmen immediately ready to move in?") "We had brainstorming meetings with a lot of people and the simple explanation is that none of us foresaw this worst case scenario." Bull-fucking-crap!! I'm a non-logical-minded girl who has been to the city once as a friggin' tourist and every friggin' tour guide and taxi driver said "and these are our levees which, if they don't withstand a hurricane, will flood our below-sea-level city." So you're telling me, FEMA dude, that I knew that and your highly prepared and intellectual group of planners didn't see that coming??? Again I mention that I was WATCHING the hurricane LIVE to see if it would submerge the city.

- And yet watching everything live still ended up with me missing everything. I tried to stay up the whole night to watch Katrina hit but I ended up going to bed and waking up the next morning to watch some video tape of storm and winds. The best was when the CNN anchor said "Let's just listen to the wind on this tape for a moment" and then they cut to storm footage and the reporter (on the scene) could be heard saying "Fuck Me!!"

- And still I've been watching a cycle of news coverage to try and find out about the things concerning me like "What happened to the animals at the Audubon Zoo?" "What's going to happen to the students that were about to start school and the universities?" "What happened to the universities?" "Are there gators floating by everywhere?" "Does Nora have a job??" "Is the French Quarter covered in powdered sugar... making it a syrupy sort of mess?" And etc... but every focus has been "where are the helicopters?? where's the food??" (Which is obviously also important.)

- I have an acquaintance through MySpace who's from New Orleans. We met in a "paranormal" group there because she'd actually seen my picture of Julie the Octoroon ghost from Royal Street on the internet. (http://www.neworleansghosts.com/Ghosts.htm Picture number 13!) She wasn't in town at the time Katrina hit because she'd flown out to be a bridesmaid in a wedding. Now all she's left with (as her house is gone) is the bridesmaid dress, two changes of outfit, flip flops and $200 in the bank. I told her I'd rather give her the $20 donation I could afford to make sure that she could buy a couple of tacos and a pair of Payless shoes. She told me she'd be too humiliated to take any handouts... but desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm waiting a few days more to see if she'll change her mind. (Though now she wants me to call her to talk about it all and I'm like "ewwww! Phones!" but... desperate times call for desperate measures.)

- When my parents and I were in New Orleans last year we stayed in a hellish B & B that shouldn't have been open to the public yet as their rooms were OBVIOUSLY not ready to be occupied by humans. My Dad giggled a little evil the other day and said, "I wonder what happened to that place!" I checked their site. They've said they didn't have a lot of damage and the music in the courtyard will resume shortly. Oh and if you happen to be without a home... they'll soon be offering long-term stay packages. (?????!?!?!??!?!) (There's no fairness in this world.) (http://www.creolegardens.com/) But to give them the benefit of the doubt... I don't think the owners (or at least the one that wrote that up on the site) have actually been back to survey the damage yet.

- If you want to know my thoughts on the looting you can read T's "Tea & Toast" blog because all I'd pretty much write is "Yeah! What she said!!" But with the addition, "Now that you've floated that flat screen back to your submerged apartment... where did you plan on plugging that in Genius?"

- The convention center. Who the frick FORGOT to tell FEMA about the convention center?? That's one hell of a missed memo.

Positive Energy

(I don't even have to try.)

Big Bopper - June 1990

"Milli Vanilli is Full of Meaning"

Names never lie, and the secret to this duo's success comes partly from their catchy name!

A group's name often reveals a lot about the musical style and personality of its members. Milli Vanilli is no exception.

Derived from the Turkish language, milli vanilli means positive energy when translated. And when you see Rob Pilatus and Fabrice Morvan sing and dance to their hit songs, including "All or Nothing" or "Blame it on the Rain," you know positive energy is what this European duo is all about.

...

When Michael Jackson's music became popular in Germany, this green-eyed talent started to see things a little differently. "I could make it. Michael gave me confidence and hope that I could make it as a pop star, even if I was black," confesses Rob as he tosses back his long black braids of hair.

...

But Fab promises his fans that no matter how big they get, they will never sit back and take their succes for granted.

Sage Words

As you may have noticed in the longish post previous (written as my mother) - I recently uncovered a pile of dirty magazines while working to tidy up my parents' garage. ("Dirty" as in there is dirt and dust and mouse chew holes in/on them.) The stuff I'm going through is large trash bags full of my old toys and belongings that were dragged out to my garage by two people hired, by my mother, to bag it all up and toss it out of my room when I was a preteen. I was supposed to go through it then... but you know... procrastination. Now most of it is just going directly into the trash since a lot of it has been pooped on.

But these magazines are gems!! They hold enormous value to society and history and yet they're too worn and dirty for eBay. So I've decided to go through them and pull out some of their sage words and humorous (in retrospect) quotes, document them in this blog and then toss the zine!

The first contender is the June 1990 issue of "The Big Bopper."

Immediately I giggle because there is a front page headline which reads "WHY DOESN'T CHAD ALLEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?" (This is funny because Chad Allen is now "out.") I flipped open to find out "why" and found that I had previously cut out that page. (This is going to be one of the problems with this interesting project because half of these magazines have been "clipped" to fill my Fred Savage shrine binders and my New Kids on the Block files.)

But I DID manage to find this goodness in an article about Tom Cruise:

"Fifteen-year-old Chad Allen is also a fan of the July 3, 1962 birthday celebrator. 'I really look up to Tom,' reveals Chad as he points to the Risky Business and Top Gun posters hanging on his bedroom walls. 'Tom is young and he's done so many great movies, I'd like to be in a movie with him someday.' "

It's a boy!!

Yay!! I'm a Fake Aunt!!

L & G popped out the lil' dude this morning at 9:33 (eastern standard time)!

Panda Cam

Just in case you want to know where to view Panda Cam with Queen Barb: http://animal.discovery.com/cams/pandavidr.html

If Mom had a blog...

T told my mother to get a blog. I've been thinking about what this would look like for fun entertainment. It would probably go something like this:

Monday
Cindy called to complain about her tenants. We talked for thirty minutes before Princess Kaylene (her pretty poodle) interrupted her with a need for a walk. She has puppy pads for the indoors but she needs the exercise. Cindy can be entertaining but I wish she wouldn't call so often because I can't get any work done. For lunch and dinner John made me too much food again. I have a very tiny stomach and he keeps giving me too much food. And when I'm full I sneeze. And when I sneeze I feel like I'm popping the hundreds of internal stiches from my recent tummy tuck.

The "kid" finally rolled out of bed at Noon. I can't believe she took all the seats out of the van again. What if I wanted to entertain people in the living room?? Brat!

Entered all of mine and Princess Kaylene's Star EIP points. I watched 2 Carol Duvalls, one Simply Quilts, Practical Magic and Shrek 2.

Tuesday
J.T. woke me up sometime between 5 and 6. Brat Cat! I went to the Weight Watchers meeting this morning followed by lunch at Coco's with a friend. When I got home John and Erin were working in the garage and they pulled me into the backyard to show me a beehive that the pest control guy had found. What is the pest control guy doing here on a Tuesday?? They're supposed to come on Wednesdays!

I want to sell the house but one look at that garage - I don't think we're ever leaving. I don't know what Erin was doing in there but it resulted in a pile of nasty looking "Teen Beats" sitting on my coffee table. John is working on yet another "project". Well at least it keeps him entertained while Erin uses his computer. (That man is getting so blind, deaf and forgetful!)

I voted on what to name the new baby panda at the Seattle zoo. Some of the names were pretty stupid like Chinese for what translated to "China Washington." I watched Mama Panda carrying around bamboo and poking at the poor baby for an hour on Panda Cam. It was like weird.

I have so much work to get done.

Entered Star EIP and KIIS club points. I watched 1 Carol Duvall and some Designing for the Sexes.

Wednesday
Boutique day! The old ladies were in a tizzy when we came into the Parish hall to find that the tables had been moved around. These creatures of habit! They had no idea where to sit (like it makes a difference ladies??). It was entertaining. Cathy brought in two boxes of Hamburger Helper that she picked up from somewhere so I bought them from her - dinner! Cindy called to talk about her surgery preparation when I got home. I think she can walk the princess after a day or two but she's worried. Gwen DEMANDED that Erin go buy her milk today. She's DEMANDING things now? She has the Internet - she should order up some delivery groceries! I didn't get any work done today because by the time I got through with Cindy and six or seven rounds of FreeCell - it was time to go teach the swim class. I left the kid in charge of cooking up the Hamburger Helper.

Side note: It looks as though some of J.T.'s hair is growing back in! The bumps on his back that I formerly thought were crow beak attacks are probably bee stings!

Entered Star EIP and KIIS club points. Got a refund check from Ebates. com. I took a nap during Simply Quilts and then Erin and I watched some weird movie that she'd rented: Priscilla Queen of the Desert

Thursday
I think the kid actually got out of bed while it was still morning!!

Mary called to tell me that she'd gotten her full set of dentures. I can't believe she's lost all of her teeth! She says its genetic but personally I think its due to all of the Coca-cola she drinks. It's like weird. John's birthday is tomorrow and I totally forgot about it. Luckily Cindy came through with some last minute cheap Hollywood Bowl tickets so I'm dragging him and Erin along. I don't know what the show is but we're going to picnic! And I don't care if John complains! He'll picnic damnit!!

I had to call Gevalia because my shipment of coffee hasn't arrived. According to their site it was delivered to the "porch" on Tuesday but nobody picked it up. I asked John and Erin and J.T. I even asked the neighbors. The coffee is missing. I wonder if the pest control guy picked it up. Gevalia knows what "Customer Service" is and they're sending out a new box of coffee. The lady at the pest control office, however, does NOT know what Customer Service is! This nimwit told me I HAD to tell her the name of the technician that told us about our beehive. How was I supposed to know? I also complained because the pest guy came on Tuesday and not Wednesday. Y'know the last time I called they told me they were firing her but SHE'S STILL THERE! How am I supposed to get all of this work done when I have to deal with all of this?

Entered Star EIP and KIIS club points - might have enough points for a movie screening. I watched Carol Duvall, Million Dollar Baby and The Cat in the Hat

Friday
I spent the morning in the "craft room" (after forwarding several joke e-mails from my cousin Jerry) listening to a Harry Potter audio book on my new portable DVD player (which also plays MP3's) which I had purchased to use after my Surgery while staying in "Serenity."

Erin got up before 10 - what is the world coming to?

I'm telling Erin and John that we have to be at Cindy's between 5:30 and 5:45 so that we can leave exactly at 6:00 (because Cindy tends to do things at the last minute).

John is now doing woodwork in the hallway!! Even if we could keep a clean house we couldn't!

I'll have to write more later.... I don't see how I'm going to have any time for work today. Also, I have to remember to set up the VCR for "Monk" and "The Dead Zone."

Excitement of the Week

So Tuesday the water broke and my pseudo-big-sisters from the East (whom I met when I was 14 or 15 in a "Fried Green Tomatoes" message board) will be having my little pseudo-niece or pseudo-nephew sometime this week (instead of its October due date).

I'm super excited and at the same time - freaking out and worried worried worried!

Also on Tuesday, the pest man discovered and pointed out a bee-hive in my parents' backyard. I think it's a bee-charmin' little sign! The baby will be a lil' Idgie. (And under the premie circumstances - I've suggested that they name the baby "Dinky.")

Birthday luxuries...

My parents have apparently decided that the easiest thing to give me as a gift is a wad of cash. For Christmas I received a "Money Machine" (along with some other choice friends) which was filled with U.S. cash taped together with some good ol' gift certificates thrown in the midst. There are still some of those certificates that I haven't used yet and I only recently settled on what to buy with the greenbacks - my very new and very cool 10 disc CD changer for my car. (Which goes by the cute nickname "10 Disc CD Changer". For example: "Erin, what is that blue glowing thing?" "Oh that is the control for my 10 Disc CD Changer!" or "Have you heard the new Anna Nalick cd? I've been listening to it on my 10 Disc CD Changer.")

For my birthday I received an envelope with 2 fifties in it. Normally (as per the 10 Disc CD Changer example) I would hold on to the money and debate about what to buy for months..... and months.... This time, however, I knew almost instantaneously what I wanted! I visited several stores to see if I could find something to top the expensive model I wanted (since the expensive model is cool but not very visually exciting) but nothing could compare. So today Miriam joined me as I ventured to Brookstone and picked up this beauty:



My thoughts were "I like to read and write while sitting on the bed. I'm constantly at a loss for a well-positioned light. The pillows are never comfortable. I also like to have a beverage when I'm reading/writing and sometimes window-sills are just not convenient." I rationalized the purchase well. In fact, I used to sit up on my previous bedrest (a.k.a. "Husband") and have a small bucket next to me which held my books, book light, water, pen, etc.. I slept with that bucket next to my head for at least a year. This item has convenient pockets! I will be able to live and sleep like Erin... but in more luxury. I will feel rich! (Considering the thing was $125.. I better damn well feel luxurious and rich!)

When I walked out of the store Miriam took one look at the giant picture of the bedrest with cup-holder and remote pocket and said, "This is a new unemployment low."

The Ed Scissors Ballet

I just found out that Edward Scissorhands has become a ballet/dance-piece that is now touring the UK and hopefully making its way to the U.S. Weird! I want a ticket!

http://www.edwardscissorhands.co.uk/

Wow

My comments got spammed! I finally got a slew of comments from someone other than "T" and it was all spam. I suppose, karmically, I deserved that.

Today in the real world...

Here's a sad fact about Erin's life - Erin prefers MySpace and naptime dreaming to real life... it's much more entertaining to Erin and so she is concluding that this convoluted combination of celebrities and weird occurances shall henceforth be known as "real life."

Today, in real life, some dude sent me this e-mail:

"House the weekend treating today?"

I really didn't know how to respond.

Today, also in real life, I went to Miriam's new apartment inside a Dave & Buster's styled apartment building on a cliff overlooking the beach. The outside of her studio had TV screens on it playing various music videos around the clock. We had to ride an escalater to get to the room and hanging above the escalator, if you looked towards the ceiling, there was a hanging word cut-out that said "The Heavens"... so that if you looked up while ascending you would notice that you were quickly approaching "The Heavens."

Suddenly Miriam turned into the little girl from Matilda



and she unwrapped a chocolate bar to discover a golden ticket



Suddenly I was her "Grandpa Joe" and was trying to coax her to hide the ticket in her shoe but a "bad man" saw her about to do it so I pushed her into a secret corner next to the escalator at which point I turned into a crazed-white-haired-white-eyeballed-old-she-creature and scared the shit out of her.



But then the eyeballs turned from white to normal and I was ... suddenly ... that chick that dated Ross for a minute and a half on Friends... at which point I was like all cool and "Honey, why are you screaming?"




YESTERDAY, in real life, I was a young CSI lab assistant



who had discovered that the crimes we were researching were being committed by a mummy-man who could disolve into dust at will. However, I was trying to avoid stepping on the toes of my older sister (and full CSI detective) who was really the one on the case.



I knew how to stop him though... I just had to hide near his lair (which was located in a cave-like sewer connection which you could exit and enter from the side of my house) and spray him with the hose when he came near. This would make his dust wet and he couldn't fly away so freely. Eventually we were tackling his muddy body.... but I woke up before the resolution. Obviously we were only CSI's with little to no training in mummy curse removal so I doubt we won the day.