Hearts & Hospitals

Last week my dad had a heart valve replacement surgery (they took at his aortic valve and replaced it with a cow's). The surgery went super fast, he recovered at an average pace (and I spent most of the last week at the hospital) and today he's already back home. (This is now the 4th time I've been hanging out at hospitals during surgeries or procedures this year! The last one being Queen Barb's tummy tuck.)

I've suggested that he pass out candy while shirtless - showing off his brand new bone-saw wound and scaring the kiddies... but he's a quiet, passive man... and he doesn't play along on Halloween! But just in case I snagged two of those sticky snap things that they put on your chest to monitor your heart and stuff... I figure he can put them on his neck as faux bolts a la Frankenstein's monster.

But in all seriousness - I'm glad he's home now. Hospitals have a way of taking all of your dignity away. First of all - you're walking around in a loose-fitting dress showing off all of your whozits to whoeverthehell. Second - everyone talks to you like you're a baby.

When the pediatrician said to me (at 13), "Next time we'll take a look at your tummy!" I spit on doctors and never returned! (Until I had pneumonia at 22... and the doctor said, "If you were any older, you might be dead." The only reason I hadn't resigned to being completely bedridden was because my girlfriend was saying, "You don't have pneumonia, you hypochondriac wussy! Walk it off!!" Then when she discovered that her dad had pneumonia... and she hadn't been feeling real well... that she actually had pneumonia and was giving it to everybody!! Then she called and said, "Oh shit! Go to a doctor!" Also, I'd just started my sound designing internship with the Oscar award winning sound guy.... and I thought I better keep showing up to work. Inability to breathe or not!)

Anyway - back on topic - I hate hospitals! And most doctors!

And especially nurses who don't give a shit and talk down to grown adults and say things like, "Did you make a poo poo today?"

Fuckers.

After a few days in we had to pack a "flavor kit" for my dad because the food sucked so bad. (Of course, he's 75 and has lost most of his taste buds anyway... so he likes his stuff spicy.) We brought him horseradish, tobasco, mustard, syrup, peanut butter (which was key), brown sugar and salsa. I think I'll pack a kit of things to bring to me if I should ever be in a hospital. Or at least pre-plan it. First and foremost - UNDERFUCKINGWEAR!! Several pairs, actually. Good solid tempurpedic style pillows. A warm blanket (it was FuhReezing there!). A toothbrush and toothpaste. Contact lens solution/glasses/etc. A book. In my flavor kit: Sour cream, cheddar cheese, parmesan cheese, ketchup, peanut butter (creamy).

Some might say that I overplan. You should see me when I travel - I always have a "worst case scenario" section of my luggage/backpack.

But back to Dad... I appealed to all the appropriate dead people and requested that he be OK and so far so good.