It's a boy!!

Yay!! I'm a Fake Aunt!!

L & G popped out the lil' dude this morning at 9:33 (eastern standard time)!

Panda Cam

Just in case you want to know where to view Panda Cam with Queen Barb: http://animal.discovery.com/cams/pandavidr.html

If Mom had a blog...

T told my mother to get a blog. I've been thinking about what this would look like for fun entertainment. It would probably go something like this:

Monday
Cindy called to complain about her tenants. We talked for thirty minutes before Princess Kaylene (her pretty poodle) interrupted her with a need for a walk. She has puppy pads for the indoors but she needs the exercise. Cindy can be entertaining but I wish she wouldn't call so often because I can't get any work done. For lunch and dinner John made me too much food again. I have a very tiny stomach and he keeps giving me too much food. And when I'm full I sneeze. And when I sneeze I feel like I'm popping the hundreds of internal stiches from my recent tummy tuck.

The "kid" finally rolled out of bed at Noon. I can't believe she took all the seats out of the van again. What if I wanted to entertain people in the living room?? Brat!

Entered all of mine and Princess Kaylene's Star EIP points. I watched 2 Carol Duvalls, one Simply Quilts, Practical Magic and Shrek 2.

Tuesday
J.T. woke me up sometime between 5 and 6. Brat Cat! I went to the Weight Watchers meeting this morning followed by lunch at Coco's with a friend. When I got home John and Erin were working in the garage and they pulled me into the backyard to show me a beehive that the pest control guy had found. What is the pest control guy doing here on a Tuesday?? They're supposed to come on Wednesdays!

I want to sell the house but one look at that garage - I don't think we're ever leaving. I don't know what Erin was doing in there but it resulted in a pile of nasty looking "Teen Beats" sitting on my coffee table. John is working on yet another "project". Well at least it keeps him entertained while Erin uses his computer. (That man is getting so blind, deaf and forgetful!)

I voted on what to name the new baby panda at the Seattle zoo. Some of the names were pretty stupid like Chinese for what translated to "China Washington." I watched Mama Panda carrying around bamboo and poking at the poor baby for an hour on Panda Cam. It was like weird.

I have so much work to get done.

Entered Star EIP and KIIS club points. I watched 1 Carol Duvall and some Designing for the Sexes.

Wednesday
Boutique day! The old ladies were in a tizzy when we came into the Parish hall to find that the tables had been moved around. These creatures of habit! They had no idea where to sit (like it makes a difference ladies??). It was entertaining. Cathy brought in two boxes of Hamburger Helper that she picked up from somewhere so I bought them from her - dinner! Cindy called to talk about her surgery preparation when I got home. I think she can walk the princess after a day or two but she's worried. Gwen DEMANDED that Erin go buy her milk today. She's DEMANDING things now? She has the Internet - she should order up some delivery groceries! I didn't get any work done today because by the time I got through with Cindy and six or seven rounds of FreeCell - it was time to go teach the swim class. I left the kid in charge of cooking up the Hamburger Helper.

Side note: It looks as though some of J.T.'s hair is growing back in! The bumps on his back that I formerly thought were crow beak attacks are probably bee stings!

Entered Star EIP and KIIS club points. Got a refund check from Ebates. com. I took a nap during Simply Quilts and then Erin and I watched some weird movie that she'd rented: Priscilla Queen of the Desert

Thursday
I think the kid actually got out of bed while it was still morning!!

Mary called to tell me that she'd gotten her full set of dentures. I can't believe she's lost all of her teeth! She says its genetic but personally I think its due to all of the Coca-cola she drinks. It's like weird. John's birthday is tomorrow and I totally forgot about it. Luckily Cindy came through with some last minute cheap Hollywood Bowl tickets so I'm dragging him and Erin along. I don't know what the show is but we're going to picnic! And I don't care if John complains! He'll picnic damnit!!

I had to call Gevalia because my shipment of coffee hasn't arrived. According to their site it was delivered to the "porch" on Tuesday but nobody picked it up. I asked John and Erin and J.T. I even asked the neighbors. The coffee is missing. I wonder if the pest control guy picked it up. Gevalia knows what "Customer Service" is and they're sending out a new box of coffee. The lady at the pest control office, however, does NOT know what Customer Service is! This nimwit told me I HAD to tell her the name of the technician that told us about our beehive. How was I supposed to know? I also complained because the pest guy came on Tuesday and not Wednesday. Y'know the last time I called they told me they were firing her but SHE'S STILL THERE! How am I supposed to get all of this work done when I have to deal with all of this?

Entered Star EIP and KIIS club points - might have enough points for a movie screening. I watched Carol Duvall, Million Dollar Baby and The Cat in the Hat

Friday
I spent the morning in the "craft room" (after forwarding several joke e-mails from my cousin Jerry) listening to a Harry Potter audio book on my new portable DVD player (which also plays MP3's) which I had purchased to use after my Surgery while staying in "Serenity."

Erin got up before 10 - what is the world coming to?

I'm telling Erin and John that we have to be at Cindy's between 5:30 and 5:45 so that we can leave exactly at 6:00 (because Cindy tends to do things at the last minute).

John is now doing woodwork in the hallway!! Even if we could keep a clean house we couldn't!

I'll have to write more later.... I don't see how I'm going to have any time for work today. Also, I have to remember to set up the VCR for "Monk" and "The Dead Zone."

Excitement of the Week

So Tuesday the water broke and my pseudo-big-sisters from the East (whom I met when I was 14 or 15 in a "Fried Green Tomatoes" message board) will be having my little pseudo-niece or pseudo-nephew sometime this week (instead of its October due date).

I'm super excited and at the same time - freaking out and worried worried worried!

Also on Tuesday, the pest man discovered and pointed out a bee-hive in my parents' backyard. I think it's a bee-charmin' little sign! The baby will be a lil' Idgie. (And under the premie circumstances - I've suggested that they name the baby "Dinky.")

Birthday luxuries...

My parents have apparently decided that the easiest thing to give me as a gift is a wad of cash. For Christmas I received a "Money Machine" (along with some other choice friends) which was filled with U.S. cash taped together with some good ol' gift certificates thrown in the midst. There are still some of those certificates that I haven't used yet and I only recently settled on what to buy with the greenbacks - my very new and very cool 10 disc CD changer for my car. (Which goes by the cute nickname "10 Disc CD Changer". For example: "Erin, what is that blue glowing thing?" "Oh that is the control for my 10 Disc CD Changer!" or "Have you heard the new Anna Nalick cd? I've been listening to it on my 10 Disc CD Changer.")

For my birthday I received an envelope with 2 fifties in it. Normally (as per the 10 Disc CD Changer example) I would hold on to the money and debate about what to buy for months..... and months.... This time, however, I knew almost instantaneously what I wanted! I visited several stores to see if I could find something to top the expensive model I wanted (since the expensive model is cool but not very visually exciting) but nothing could compare. So today Miriam joined me as I ventured to Brookstone and picked up this beauty:



My thoughts were "I like to read and write while sitting on the bed. I'm constantly at a loss for a well-positioned light. The pillows are never comfortable. I also like to have a beverage when I'm reading/writing and sometimes window-sills are just not convenient." I rationalized the purchase well. In fact, I used to sit up on my previous bedrest (a.k.a. "Husband") and have a small bucket next to me which held my books, book light, water, pen, etc.. I slept with that bucket next to my head for at least a year. This item has convenient pockets! I will be able to live and sleep like Erin... but in more luxury. I will feel rich! (Considering the thing was $125.. I better damn well feel luxurious and rich!)

When I walked out of the store Miriam took one look at the giant picture of the bedrest with cup-holder and remote pocket and said, "This is a new unemployment low."

The Ed Scissors Ballet

I just found out that Edward Scissorhands has become a ballet/dance-piece that is now touring the UK and hopefully making its way to the U.S. Weird! I want a ticket!

http://www.edwardscissorhands.co.uk/

Wow

My comments got spammed! I finally got a slew of comments from someone other than "T" and it was all spam. I suppose, karmically, I deserved that.

Today in the real world...

Here's a sad fact about Erin's life - Erin prefers MySpace and naptime dreaming to real life... it's much more entertaining to Erin and so she is concluding that this convoluted combination of celebrities and weird occurances shall henceforth be known as "real life."

Today, in real life, some dude sent me this e-mail:

"House the weekend treating today?"

I really didn't know how to respond.

Today, also in real life, I went to Miriam's new apartment inside a Dave & Buster's styled apartment building on a cliff overlooking the beach. The outside of her studio had TV screens on it playing various music videos around the clock. We had to ride an escalater to get to the room and hanging above the escalator, if you looked towards the ceiling, there was a hanging word cut-out that said "The Heavens"... so that if you looked up while ascending you would notice that you were quickly approaching "The Heavens."

Suddenly Miriam turned into the little girl from Matilda



and she unwrapped a chocolate bar to discover a golden ticket



Suddenly I was her "Grandpa Joe" and was trying to coax her to hide the ticket in her shoe but a "bad man" saw her about to do it so I pushed her into a secret corner next to the escalator at which point I turned into a crazed-white-haired-white-eyeballed-old-she-creature and scared the shit out of her.



But then the eyeballs turned from white to normal and I was ... suddenly ... that chick that dated Ross for a minute and a half on Friends... at which point I was like all cool and "Honey, why are you screaming?"




YESTERDAY, in real life, I was a young CSI lab assistant



who had discovered that the crimes we were researching were being committed by a mummy-man who could disolve into dust at will. However, I was trying to avoid stepping on the toes of my older sister (and full CSI detective) who was really the one on the case.



I knew how to stop him though... I just had to hide near his lair (which was located in a cave-like sewer connection which you could exit and enter from the side of my house) and spray him with the hose when he came near. This would make his dust wet and he couldn't fly away so freely. Eventually we were tackling his muddy body.... but I woke up before the resolution. Obviously we were only CSI's with little to no training in mummy curse removal so I doubt we won the day.

Try this at home!

Here's something you should try if you have a spare second and want to see something interesting...

Do the following:

1.) Open Google.com and type in the search "miserable failure."

2.) Don't click search, but click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

3.) What is it that you see?!


Sad... but oh so true! This is no joke!

Pass this on to all of your friends!

Celebratory Tomatoes

Today I'm old.

Fried green tomatoes made me feel better about it!

Current fixation

Current fixation? = Answering questions by repeating the questions.

I'm finding myself stuck on this method of communicating this week. If asked a question, I will first repeat it (in fragment format) and then answer in detail.

Example:

You: Erin, what do you want to do for your birthday?
Me: Birthday doings? I haven't figured that out.

Kooky

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gorgeous Herbalist. Where You Lived: Ontario. How You Died: Hung for treason.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Well I don't know about being a gorgeous herbalist in Ontario... but I do know that I've been hung in more than one past life. So that's weird. ;)

Possible new "Current Fixation"

I just found this on HBO's "On Demand" listings the other night... CATHOUSE!

This is the new (and possibly better) version of HBO's "REAL SEX!" And just like Real Sex, since I'm living at home, I still have to watch it with the volume very low after everyone has gone to bed.

(And I'm in love with one of the ho's.. that's a problem.)

Scammer

I ordered the new Harry Potter on audio cassette over a month ago from Amazon. Unfortunately I managed to get some scam artist Amazon seller who took the money from a slew of people and ran. We all had to wait until now (about a month after our orders and our taken money) to file our official claim with Amazon. This blows. This is the second time I've had a bad seller experience but at least the first time the seller was a real person who contacted me to say "Oh Crap! I don't have that book after all!" This person has a 90% negative rating and is still allowed to be on the site and sell (not for long - I'm sure - but still!).

So anyway - don't buy from "c_haufe2000".

Now I have to wait for the official "investigation" before I'll get my refund and be able to buy the book from someone else.

Pretty Persuasion

The PRETTY PERSUASION screening was an odd mix of studio execs, bums off the street, ladies in gowns and celebrities. It was a freebie screening for "Campus Circle", a benefit screening for a group called "Gen Art" (the gowned people... they had some swanky party afterwards) and a premiere for involved friends, family and associates. James Woods was in attendance (and barely found a seat). We all thought that was cool until the movie started and we watched the man touch himself on screen..... then it was just awkward.

The movie was just... OK. Unlike its comparison material (Heathers, Election) it was actually not quite a comedy. It had comedic moments (which .... when you think about it... were actually moments where the movie was laughing at the audience who was laughing). I believe Mean Girls pulled off this movie's goal a little better than PP did - minus the slight Muslim agenda of the story.

And... although I love Evan Rachel Wood (she's a double-puncher having starred with both Winona and Mary-Stuart Masterson after all)... the movie should have been made 7-8 years ago with Christina Ricci. (Though, then, the Muslim agenda wouldn't have made sense.) Or now with Jena Malone since Evan essentially looked just like Jena with her darkened hair.

Overall - I give it a C (for effort).

(Meanwhile I just watched THE EMPEROR'S CLUB today. That gets a "D" for "dumb stupid waste of my time since I don't care about any of the characters")

Current Fixation

Current Fixation = Taking self-portraits in mirrors and reflections

And this is just silly fun:

Danglin' Monkeys

Aghast!

Something Deep & Meaningful

Take a Risk ... Don't waste your soul!

I have this new friend who is my designated "culture buddy." Or something like that. She's from Michigan and has been here for a year so she's trying to build up some local friends and so far I'm one of them.

Two weeks ago we went to see Reprise! at the Ford Ampitheater. (Which is where the first Wicked concurrance occurred.)

Friday we went to see The Aristocrats (which I hadn't really heard of prior to her request to see it). It was laugh-out-loud funny but please don't take your parents. Awkward moments! I tried to explain some of the muffled foreskin singing to Queen Barb the next day and she made a face like, "Please stop. Please stop. Please, why do you think its OK to tell me this?" Basically... if you find humor in things like incest, poop-eating and anal rape... remember, I said I laughed "ALOUD." Funny! Some people did leave after the first twenty minutes. The rest of us wallowed in it. The card trick, the mime, Christopher Walken and Liza Minelli were the best.


Last night we went to try "frozen custard" at Lickity Split's on Hollywood Blvd. at the Egyptian theater. Frozen custard... eh! Tasted just like ice cream to me. The treat, however, was the cones (chocolate cones, chocolate cookie cones - like the bottom of Mud Pie!, pretzl cones, chocolate chip cones and M & M cones). After that we went to see My Date With Drew at the Arclight - my first time there. Turns out the Drew crew was there - Brian (the dater) and the two buddies that made it with him. I'm wondering if they're just going to every screening because it wasn't a scheduled Q&A event but they are doing a bunch of appearances at the Arclight. Anyway - the movie was ADORABLE! And I can connect to the movie makers in like 2 steps (through Hollywood boss and a place I temped at). (Which puts me at 4 steps to Drew.) (And now I have to rent Grease 2.)

Today I spent working on a sort of spec writing assignment (which relates back to afore mentioned possible musical project). So I spent the day at the Westside Pavillion... strangely a large hub of noise is much better than a semi-quiet room with nearby screaming children. (I hate the neighbor kids at home.)

Tomorrow Culture Buddy and I are going to a free screening of Pretty Persuasion ... which is again at the Arclight. I'll let you know how that is (if we get in line early enough). The current comparison is a cross between HEATHERS and ELECTION - both good movies.

(Meanwhile... if you're wondering why I'm occasionally linking to strange things like "open letters to Bob Connolly", watches, car insurance and drug recall notices... its because some dude is paying me 5 bucks a link.) (I'm trying to make it interesting for you though.)

Recap

So to recap my last week - there were LOTS of coincidences which led to a meeting with a woman to discuss writing the "book" (or "libretto") for a musical destined for Broadway. I have now officially submitted my spec assignment and the next time you hear from me I may be destined for the Tony's. (Or headed back to Craigslist for more job opps.)

(I just can't wait to spend my millions on luxuries like auto insurance and health coverage.)

FYI - If you were taking Bextra for your painful menstrual cycles... now there are bextra lawsuits against the drugmakers. (I'd never heard of it prior but noticed it because of my whole college Phen-Fen lawsuit drama... which really wasn't very dramatic. I mean... I got a free video tape of my heart valves! And some money... which I gave to my mother since she paid for my small appetite.)

WhatAWayToWannaBe

I can understand ties on women when its a young Avril Lavigne sorta thing but yesterday I drove by a woman (obvious by her large busoms) wearing a tucked in man's silk shirt and a long blue tie. I suppose she could have been a security guard sans blazer but as she was she just looked like a sore attempt at some sort of mannishly styled woman.

Please tell me if I dress like a mannishly styled woman (again). (However things like nice Ulysse-Nardin
Complications GMT Men's watches and other expensive white-gold with glowing blue gadget items don't count. Unless it's a glowing white gold athletic cup with digital read-out.

Open Letter

Inspired by my friend Taysha's open letter to Lindsay Lohan (and this odd little online letter for Bob Connolly) I have decided to write an open letter to television networks.

Dear Major Corporate Television Networks,

I am tired of your copycat ways! Be original! Watch a little cable and get a clue.

Signed,

Erin

(But seriously - I just saw a preview for "The Ghost Whisperer" which is just about the stupidest friggin' name for a show when "The Dog Whisperer" has already capitalized on the spoofy reference to the lame ass movie "The Horse Whisperer." Sorry - I really didn't like that movie. Not to mention... it looks just like MEDIUM... which is a good show! "How I Met Your Mother" does look cute... primarily because Alyson Hannigan is in it ... and Neil Patrick Harris is kinda funny in a non-Doogie way. But still... it looks like a half-breed Friends/Coupling. And Coupling in and of itself was a terrible copy of what was probably a good show for the BBC. "Close to Home" looks just like "Cold Case"... I mean ... it isn't... but still there are a lot of 30-something blonde female detectives. And I'm just so sick of law/crime and doctors. Meanwhile - cable is offering up a new show starring Mary-Louise Parker and Elizabeth Perkins as suburban moms who sell marijuana - called Weeds - http://www.sho.com/site/weeds/home.do. THIS... is a decent idea.)

(Though seeing Stockard Channing making a comedic sit-com turn this next season will be something to watch!)

Good ol' Mom!

My mother is a naysayer. She'll find the negative in every proposal/story/idea etc. But it can, at times, be quite humorous.

So last night this amazing thing happened which I probably shouldn't talk about via blog but let's just say that the Wicked synchronicity paid off big-time!

This morning I start to tell the story to my mother and, knowing that she'll immediately poke a hole in it, I preface the story with: "I don't know if it pays anything and frankly I don't care because the potential opportunity is too big."

So then I tell the story (which ends in "And so I'm going to meet this woman on Wednesday.")

My mother agrees with me that the story is amazing... fates really collided... and then she says:

Queen Barb: So you're going to this person's house?
Me: Yeah, I think it's her house.
Queen Barb: Not cool, Erin.
Me: Why? What do you mean?
Queen Barb: You're going to go to some stranger's house?
Me: Yeah... a lot of people work from their homes.
Queen Barb: This could be a rape scheme!

Ahhh... good ol' Mom!

Flowery

Flowers, in theory, are a good concept for "thoughtful" and pleasant little gifts. Personally I only think they're good for weddings and funerals.

I'm a rare conundrum. I like attention.... but third person attention. I'd like you to read all about Erin and talk about how wonderful Erin is ... but don't friggin' look at me! Flowers cause lookie-loo attention. Oh, horrible!

This particular flower-issue probably stems from high school. I'd met a guy online (surprise, surprise), an army seargent who was departing to whatever base the next day, and I'd spent a night selfishly bitching to him about how evil and slutty and mean and horrible and cruel a particular "friend" of mine was. Then in a moment of insight I decided to give him my high school's phone number and convinced him to call it the following day and leave a message in the office... maybe convince them to announce it over the PA's somehow. I dreamed a dream of "Lisa, the free clinic called and your test results were positive," coming out with the homeroom announcements.

Instead - Mr. Army Seargeant (his screenname was SARGE) called the school and got their address and then SENT ME ROSES... AT SCHOOL!! The school actually had a "no flowers accepted" policy but the flowery delivery guy just wandered onto the property and JUST HAPPENED to stop at my religion class door and asked "Does anyone know where I can find Erin L.?" I was MORTIFIED.

And then that evil bitch slut Lisa went around and started a rumor that the handwriting on the card looked like mine and therefore I must have sent the evil roses to myself! Because, of course, what man would send roses to Erin?

The note on the card, by the way, read "Thank you for last night! Love, Sarge" Idiot! (Apparently he was sending an honest thank you because I'd taken his mind off the fact that he was shipping off wherever.)

So - remember! Don't send flowers! Send a plant!