A Simple Story in Two Complicated Parts

Part One

The first CD I ever bought was Madonna's "Like A Prayer" back when I was in 8th grade and my father had obtained a CD player by questionable means. He'd purchased hundreds of dollars of hair and skin care products, secretly, in order to qualify to win a car (the odds were supposed to increase in your favor when you purchased more product). Knowing my mother would freak if she found out what he had done, he hid all of the product under the bed. (You should note that my father is completely bald and thus has no need for hair care products.) And instead of the car he won a CD player! At the time it was still a big deal because they were new and expensive - but it wasn't a car. (And it would have been cheaper to buy the player outright.) (In the end it was OK because when my mother did find out she called up the credit card company and told them that it was an unauthorized purchase and they erased the charges... so in effect, it was free.)

We made a big deal of going to the Warehouse music store to purchase our family's first compact disc. Back then they still came in the long cardboard boxes (you youngn's might not remember them). My father peered at me a little wryly when I chose Madonna but I won out (after all he had hundreds of dollars of shampoo hidden under a bed) and we brought my purchase home. So there I was, 13 years old with a fascinating new piece of technology. I opened the box, removed the jewel case and opened it. What struck me first was the smell. The smell?? Yes - it had a smell. It wasn't an unpleasant smell but it was something unfamiliar to me so naturally I assumed it was the smell of all CD's. I listened to the item, enjoyed it and so the first CD was a success.

But since my first CD had a smell, whenever I opened a new CD I sniffed it. Imagine my surprise when none of the following purchases smelled the same as that initial Madonna CD. For YEARS I told people of this phenomenon and for YEARS people thought I was insane... sniffing my CDs and telling weird tales of Madonna. Finally I brought my CD into school and passed it around. Yes! Validation! A friend defined the smell as "dirt." OK... so my Madonna CD smelled like dirt. Odd... but at least other people could smell it. In college I was telling a new acquaintance this tale when she finally filled me in. "It's patchouli," she said. "The 'Like a Prayer' CDs were scented with patchouli oil." (As if it was common knowledge.)


Part Two

My family travels frequently and as frequent travelers with "collecting" habits we amass large stockpiles of mini-shampoos, mini-conditioners, mini-soaps, mini-shower gels, shower caps, shoe-shine kits, 2 cup pouches of coffee grounds and whatever else some hotel might give us. Mom always taught me to empty the little basket in the room, hide the supply of shampoo et. al. so that each day they would refill the in-room basket. Having ALL of this travel-sized product it finally ocurred to me that I could use it when I housesit (or, God forbid, when I travel!). So last night I'm housesitting and I decided to take an evening shower. I brought three items, courtesy of the Seven Feather Indian Casino, in with me - a shampoo, a conditioner and a shower gel. I followed normal shower procedures and then broke out the little bottle of shower gel. I opened it and began to lather when it ocurred to me that this shower gel was patchouli scented.


So there I was - in the shower - smelling like a prayer.

A Silvermany Sort of Day

It was a Sarah Silvermany day!

I went to see Sarah Silverman: JESUS IS MAGIC in the afternoon. Eh. It was OK. If you're lucky enough to be cool like me and have seen Sarah in person on more than one occasion - then there's not much new in the comedy concert film that you probably wouldn't recognize. The exceptions are the vignettes... which were probably much funnier at conception than they came across in real life.

Though the Amazing Grace performance at the end... CLASSIC!

Favorite joke: That's just retarded. And by "retarded" I mean THEY CAN DO ANYTHING!

Of course I went with Miriam and afterwards she kept telling me, "Erin, you can do ANYTHING!" with a wonderful smirk on her face.

But Erin, how does one Sarah Silverman movie constitute a "Sarah Silvermany sort of day?"

Great question, dear readers!

After our afternoon movie outing and then beers with dinner at The Yard House in Pasadena (and by "beers" I mean "a 50% ale/50% pear cider mix called a Snakebite" since I find beer disgusting) we went to see RENT!!!!

EXCELLENT! LOVED IT! I really want to go to a sing-a-long performance because it was HARD to not burst into song! It had my dumb heart in my throat the whole time. It's one of those movies I immediately put on my mental "to own" list. (OK yes... I did overkill play it in college so it was a little like one of those CDs you used to love but now want to skip through.) I much preferred Rosario Dawson to the original MiMi. (Sorry. The original Mimi's voice bugged me.) But as musicals to screen go... Chicago still has me wonderstruck. Of course that could be due to my lust for both Renee Zelwegger and Catherine Zeta Jones.

AND (to tie back into the theme of this blog) Sarah Silverman had a cameo as "Alexi Darling" - the art-killing tabloid TV producer!

Moment of Awkward Humor (brought to you by the Brady's)

So Friday night I go out with Miriam and her sisters (plus two German foreign exchange teenagers) to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Now Nora, Miriam's middle sister (24), works for the Loyola University of New Orleans (her alma mater) as a student recruiter for the music school. And she was, up until a few months ago, living in New Orleans.

After the movie Miriam notices Nora's blouse and says, "I have a blouse just like that. In fact... I haven't seen that blouse in a while! Did you take it?" (Followed by a "I'm just kidding, OMG!" face directed towards Nora.)

Clare, the youngest sister (16 years old) starts laughing and pointing at Nora and making a "Ha Ha! You got caught stealing!" face.

Nora put her head down and mocked an "I'm not entertained" expression before she looked at the both of them, whipped out her Katrina card and said, "You realize you're making fun of someone who lost all of their clothes in a cataclysmic flood, don't you?!"

Then there was silence as this was not funny.

Now I don't mean "not funny" as in we all took a moment of silence to feel bad for her. I mean "not funny" as in her comedy really needs work because at no point was anyone making fun of her. Rather there was an implied fictional situation that was on display as the "funny." She whipped out the Hurricane card for nothing... obviously she'd been waiting for the opportune moment and she wasted it. Poor Nora.

(On a sidenote: I looked up "cataclysmic" on Dictionary.com just to make sure I was using it correctly and noticed that one of the definitions of "cataclysm" is "devastating flood". So when I say "cataclysmic flood" am I really saying "devastating flood-like flood"?)

Universal problems

Every once in a while you bump into one of those problems within a fictional universe.

For example - in Mr. and Mrs. Smith (the Bradjelina version) Adam Brody was seen wearing a "Fight Club" t-shirt while under interrogation by Brad Pitt. (Thanks to T for pointing this out.) This is a problem that should cause some sort of collapse (a la Donnie Darko) because, as we all know, Brad Pitt was IN Fight Club. So if Adam Brody was really a fan of Fight Club... then he should have been like, "Dude, you're Brad Pitt."



There's another one in Golden Girls when the actor who later played Rose's "Miles" also played an earlier character within the series. This is a problem. When he came back as Miles... no one recognized him.

Etc. Etc.

Tonight I was watching FRIENDS and there was one of these problems ... Isabella Rossellini was in Central Perk and Ross was hitting on her because she was on his list of the 5 celebrities he was allowed to sleep with. He had his list laminated on a wallet card and she asked to see it - she wasn't on it. He explained that since she was international he'd bumped her off the list and replaced her with Winona Ryder because she was "local."

THUS the problem within the FRIENDS universe (which, incidentally, is also the Caroline in the City, The Single Guy and the Mad About You universe... which means that it's also The Nanny universe...and if you can think of any more crossovers let me know)... because as we ALL know... Winona Ryder was in an episode as Rachel's old friend that she girl-kissed!!




So.... when you're writing your famous scripts... all I ask is that you pay attention.

Thoughts for the Day

Thought 1: If anyone says that God is on their side... I think that automatically means that God is on the other side by default.

Thought 2: See-saws can be awesome, if done right. However, I was always the heavy kid going nowhere with some littler kid stuck in the air screaming on the other side. I've had maybe one good see-saw experience, with a fluid give and take, in my life.

AllOfASuddenDecisionCool

Some of the best things in life are the impromptu decisions that lead to adventures! I love adventures. "Adventures" in Erin-land are basically when you're walking or driving along and you say something like, "Hey....what happens if we turn left?" and that silly decision leads to things like Taysha and I at a thrift store buying a giant, damn, dirty television and wrestling it back to our dorm in a taxi.

The second best thing to "adventures" are the all of a sudden movie plans. For example... "We could go see a movie." "Sure, what time." "In ten minutes." "To the horses, Pronto!"

I had one of these experiences in Boston during my trip East.

Chrissy: Well it's 10 - we could call it a night or see a movie.

Erin: Movie!

Chrissy: Really? I was just kidding but OK. Shall we go to the new theater next to Emerson?

Erin: To the horses, Pronto!

We decided upon A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE since we were both curious about it. Hooboy! Not what I expected. I mean, granted, "violence" was in the title but with the very dramatic looking Viggo on the movie poster... I was expecting something of Oscar caliber.



The note in the beginning credits that said "Based on a Graphic Novel" (a.k.a. "comic book") should have really prepared us. Lots of graphic violence (for example, Viggo stomps on a man's throat as a way of killing him) and a slew of overly dramatic bad guys and drama pauses. Not something I recommend, really.

Last night I was celebrating my godmother's birthday with my immediate family and Miriam (cuz she still celebrates family functions with me at my request). On the way out of the restaurant I picked up a "Campus Circle" magazine which featured a big ad on the back for Sarah Silverman's new movie, Jesus is Magic, which neither of us had previously heard about. Miriam freaked (we love Sarah Silverman!) and demanded that we make an attempt to watch it. It was 9:30 - it started at 9:40... we rushed and drove and ran and got to the theater at 9:55 but it was sold out anyway. (Sarah Silverman WAS supposed to be there in person and apparently she was on Howard Stern that morning promoting it ... so we were doomed.)

But since we were at the theater anyway (and this was our local quirky midnight movie theater that plays Rocky Horror and usually something good on Friday nights) I backed out to the sidewalk and leaned back to read the marquee. I saw the letters L E G...a little further.... B I L L I....

WHAT THE FUCK???? THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN?!?!?!? TONIGHT?!?!??! I FUCKING LOVE THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN!!!!

So then I spent the next couple of hours begging and pleading to find someone to see ONLY THE BEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER (after, you know, the other best movies ever) with me. I finally gave up and decided that I would be a grown up and go alone. (Something that I was completely capable of in Boston but somehow never capable of at home.) (I had missed the opportunity to see TEEN WITCH and CLUE at the midnight screenings and still haven't forgiven myself... thus the decision to go despite lack of company.) Miriam ended up coming through at the last minute because she decided she'd not be able to sleep if I went to the Nuart alone because of all the crazies. (It should be noted that she had a bad experience with the crazies... but at the RHPS and back in high school.)

Anyway.... so I got to see my movie. Gawwwwwwwwwdddd that movie is good! Especially when all the Billie Jean wannabes are passing her along on some sort of underground Billie Jean railroad. Makes me wanna wear a wetsuit top, pump my fists in the air and steal shit from toy stores! Today I'm feeling a little invincible! (Actually... a little tired and grouchy but had to work that Pat Benatar reference in anyway.)

Survivor

I just survived a terrible accident.

There I was, minding my own business, when the soap got away from me. I took a step towards it, slipped on a "soap just made this slippery" spot, completely lost all sense of balance and the world around me and toppled out of the shower.

There I was... lying on the floor, legs still inside the tub, tangled in the curtain and the curtain ROD that came down with me, shower head spraying water all over me and the rest of the bathroom. I sat (if you can call it sitting) there for maybe two minutes - dazed and really confused as to just how the hell I was going to get up. Finally, I managed to turn over, grip the floor and push backwards back into the offending bathtub - careful not to slip on the soapy spot again. And then I decided to finish the shower with the rod/curtain tangle still on the floor because what the hell - everything's already wet anyway!

But I seem to have injured nothing except my pride. (Which, since there were no witnesses, I could have saved from injury but I instead decided to tell you all about it and assault that pride.)

In times like these I'm reminded that I must have guardian angels/spirits/whatever... because I could have hit my head on the sink or a variety of other things on the way down but I'm fine. Maybe a little bruise on my ass but I think I'm still in adrenaline shock and don't know what hurts yet.

Bored

 

My first single.

TGMT

THE GAY MARRIAGE THING (a documentary featuring the marriage of my two big sisters) just got itself a blog: http://sassymedia.blogspot.com/

Post-Halloween Wrap-Up

This year marks the first time that I've spent Halloween in a significant location for a significant reason (huh?) - Rhode Island and Massachusetts. I figured, "My friend Jeff loves Halloween and horror movies and always seems to be doing nothing on Halloween. I'm usually doing nothing horribly exciting on Halloween night. Why don't I go and do nothing significant on Halloween with Jeff and spread it out over a week?!" So I did!

(Jeff still feels bad because we ended up doing nothing on Halloween... but that's what I WENT there for!)

My goal was to subject myself to horror movies, which I usually avoid at all costs choosing to deal primarily in the "thriller" genre. It was a sort of trial by fire week. Jeff is somewhat of a horror expert with 6 bookshelves 90% full of horror DVDs, stacks of Fangoria magazines, and a brain full of slasher knowledge... he could be that Jamie Kennedy character from SCREAM. (The other 10% of his DVD collection is British TV shows.) And I threw in some other Halloween tradition-type things as well.

The horror flicks/shows I can now say I've seen are:

- DAWN OF THE DEAD (the original) (I found it boring and fell asleep)
- HALLOWEEN (Eh! Didn't scare me. Dangit.)
- SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (Gratuitous boob shots... script written by notorious lesbian feminist Rita Mae Brown) (P.S. Not scary. Not that funny.)
- 4 misc. episodes of TALES FROM THE CRYPT (this ain't new...I'd watched these when they were on originally)
- Showtime's first episode of their new "Masters of Horror" series entitled "Incident On and Off a Mountain Road" (Which was actually quite good! I'd watch it again - the twist ending was exciting.)
- HAUTE TENSION (a.k.a. "Switchblade Romance" in the UK) (a.k.a. "High Tension" in the U.S.) (Omigod I loved it! Jeff bought it for me afterwards as a "many missed birthdays" present. If you've seen it - it'll not be surprising to you that I loved it. If you haven't - I'm not going to ruin it for you.)
- FRIGHT NIGHT
- AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
- And I spent a lot of time watching little segments of horror flicks/shows that I've either already seen or need to catch up on later like FRIGHT NIGHT 2, EXCORCIST 2, POLTERGEIST (seen), NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETs (several pieces of several), FRIDAY THE 13THs (several pieces of several), VAMPIRE BATS (my mother was nice enough to tape that for me - I still have to watch it) and several "hauntings" shows




The Jack-O-Lantern tradition was taken care of by my friend Chrissy who invited me to a carving party in Boston last Thursday! The hostess was a Martha Stewart in the making who had pre-laid out carving tools, bowls for the goopy innards, pre-printed designs for the non-creative, ziplocks with recipes for the pumpkin seeds and served us up wine and lasagna.

(Another mutual friend said to Chrissy, "I'll bet Erin's gonna carve a raven!" So I did. To satisfy the masses.)






And Chrissy also introduced me to her family tradition of Halloween donuts! Her papa cooks 'em up using a rhyming recipe that sounds like a witch's spell. We ate those on carving night while fishing out pumpkin seeds from the gourd's gutty goodness.

I cooked those, seasoned with salt, pepper and cinnamon (the only spices I could find in Jeff's cupboards), on Halloween day.



Friday I added my own "tradition" to the mix - my traditional visit to Newbury Street's "Gargoyles, Chimeras and More" store. (I love that place! The same stuff is in there that was in there when I went to college.. it must be some sort of front for some seedy money laundering business... but it's just so creepy!) Chrissy was entertained... specifically by a piece of "art" writing that told the story of sex with a gazelle.

A Horror-a-thon complete with pizza was held at the home of a friend of Jeff's later that night. (That's where we watched Dawn of the Dead and some of the Tales From The Crypts.)

Saturday we attempted to see the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE at a place called "The Cable Car Cinema & Cafe" ... but the newspaper misprinted the time as "Noon" when the screening was at midnight. It began raining heavily that night so we skipped the midnight screening. (It had been snowing in the afternoon - that's just wrong!)

Halloween was, itself, low key. One of Jeff's parents' cats died so he spent half the day with them and the other half too depressed to dress up. I entertained myself during my alone time by watching several of the aforementioned horror titles, making the baked pumpkin seeds and coming up with a reason to mess up my face in a horrific fashion.

Here is the elaborate mini-story that I came up with for my facial Halloween display: One day I was walking through my village minding my own business when some toe-headed little bad boy pointed his grubby finger at me and said, "Bitch, Bitch, You're A Witch!" Thus accused I was accosted by the town witch-hunters, beaten badly about the face, had my face ground into the ground (!), had the runic symbols that spelled out "Cursed" carved into my head by a rather perverse minister and finally I was strung up to be hung (but they didn't do it right so I just bruised badly and the rope rubbed open a neck wound). (This explains my injuries... but I had no actual "costume" to go with it.)

(Erin, can we please see that make-up design step by step?) Why sure! How nice of you to ask!

Just for you then (you pleasant little thing you!):

Stylized "bed-head" and initial neck wound marking



Initial "outer bruising" on neck




Bruise shading (Actually this is about 5 steps into the bruise shading)




Black eye, scraped and torn nose, scrapes about the mouth, "CURSED" carved in the forehead




"Thick blood" and "coagulated blood" fun is applied to a variety of places...




... including the gaping neck wound (which also employs the use of liquid latex... as do other wounds on the face)




And Voila! Presto Chango! We have a completely @$%#ed up face! (Which I then sat around watching TV in.)




Jeff's self-assigned job was candy-passer-outer and he took his title seriously! He, on more than one occasion, chased a few kids down to let them know that he HAD CANDY!



His $30 dollars worth of "Fun Sized" bits of candy trademarks were passed out to children, some who didn't even bother dressing up, while I finished up Hot Tension (yes, I wrote "Hot" intensionally). And then we watched Prison Break. And Degrassi Jr. High. I went to bed with no nightmares to speak of. (Though there had been two questionable haunting experiences in my guest room earlier in my stay - so there was potential for a good scare.)

And THAT was Erin's Halloween 2005 East Coast Extravaganza! (Hooray for giant summaries with pictures!) I have been left with a (probably false) sense of security about horror movies and how I can now handle them just fine! (Though as I write this the house is dark.... and I'm not so sure about that.)