This stick bug is how I envision the digestive creature.
Dr. Latin-word-for-truth, my holistic chiropractor, told me a few sessions ago that I had "something wrong with my valves." They were blocking energy or something and possibly holding up the whole healing process around my lower back.... because well my belly (and the valves therein) is on the front side of my lower back.
Soooo she asked me to bring in some food samples so she could do some tests to see if I had any food-related issues. I brought in three items that I thought could potentially be causing my persistent and annoying "tummy trouble." I brought a Coke for the caffeine, a creamer for the dairy and a little sample of Grape Nuts. (Because I like them but afterwards I always have a stomach ache.)
Well after some "I'll put a sample of something on your tongue and then test your muscle and organ responses" holistic tests (basically it's applied kinesiology) I was unable to resist pressure after the Grape Nuts but just fine with the Coke and the creamer. (The Coke and The Creamer... good name for a band!) So Dr. Latin-word-for-truth tested me specifically for wheat and, as a friend phrased it, wheat is my Kryptonite! If you put wheat on me... you'll win the fight. (Put air on me and you'll win the fight.)
So the good doc sent me home to do homework (namely, look up "wheat allergies" and "gluten free" products and "Celiac disease" which is apparently more common in the Irish.. of which I'm a good quarter) and told me not to eat wheat for 48 hours (or to try and stay away from anything flour based for safety) (which I screwed up) and then to try and cut down. (Oh and with the good suggestion that I should actually get medically tested for it since... she couldn't ACTUALLY tell me if I was allergic to wheat.) (The problem being that I have no insurance.) (Otherwise I would have had ten allergy tests by now - being the hypochondriac that I am.)
Well now my problem (now that I've embraced that I'm diseased) is that I'm not eating anything flour-based... but I think when I am possibly assuming that something doesn't have wheat in it and I eat it by mistake... then my daily stomach ache is worse than normal.
The other problem being that if I REALLY AM allergic (or sensitive to or whatever...) to wheat... then I have to become THAT person. Ugh! I hate grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping at THOSE stores even more. Those stores with their snooty organic/vegan/soy/you-better-not-say-you-want-a-plastic-bag attitudes. I have to be THAT person who says "Oh I'm sorry... does that have wheat in it? Because I'll have to instead enjoy this tasty flourless cake." (In reality... I will soooo feed on this special attention.) (And I'm just teasing... my dear vegan and non-cheese-eating friends.)
If I am allergic to the gluten/wheat dealio... this might also explain why I get severe jaw pain whenever I drink a fine malted-beverage... such as my beloved Ace Perry Ciders. It's like 25 pins suddenly stabbing me in various areas along my jawline. Up until now I've been theoretically blaming it on sulfites.
I've begun practicing ... I went and bought some WHEAT-FREE/GLUTEN-FREE products at Whole Foods. I got some Made-With-Rice-Mac & Cheese, some Made-With-Rice-Flour-Tortillas, some Made-With-Rice-Bread (which is sooooo not good) and some Made-With-Rice-Spaghetti.
This morning I stared forlornly at churros and consoled myself with some of that sweet-corn stuff at El Torito.
But still this creature is sitting inside of me. Thinking back.... I actually can't remember when I haven't had some sort of stomach ache. Well logically I must have not had a stomach ache because if I always did then I wouldn't know it was aching... since that would be normal. But I always had some excuse like "Oh I ate before I went to bed," or "I slept in too late." Now I just sorta always assumed that if you slept too long... or too late.. you ended up with a stomach ache. Is that not true?
Later I decided I had some of that Irritable Bowel Syndrome... but symptoms were not consistent. I instead decided it was the Calcium Chews causing me the mock-IBS. (Which is why I had the chiropractor test me for dairy.) When I stopped eating the Chews... I stopped having some problems (which we will not go into though I am now permanently subscribed to an entertaining newsletter from a silly yet very serious website).
Edgar! I feel like Edgar (Vincent D'Onofrio) in Men in Black... there's a bug inside of me wearing an Erin suit. Ugh.
Oh and the OTHER thing is that I have NEVER heard of this before yet every time I bring it up somebody is like "Oh that's so common! They totally sell gluten-free stuff. Elisabeth Hasselbeck has that."
But thank GOD it's not a dairy issue! How could I live without my sour cream and cheese?
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