Mornings

How the morning went in my head (with a small dose of reality):

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

(Taysha is selling off a small paper sheet full of Kathyrn Hepburn's earrings...or are they hat pins... to high bidders for my mother, I hear. Mom is super impressed and making a lot of money. My inheritance? Taysha runs in...)

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Erin: HUH??

(...with a notebook full of drawings of balloons. Taysha: "Look at what Leslie was going to draw on my wall...er... I mean your wall." She whips out a drawing of one girl sitting at a computer with another girl laughing behind her. Taysha flips the page and addresses my mother. Taysha: "My mom called and my dad is having a cake after all." She shows my mother a drawing of balloons that says "The Neighbors.")

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Erin: HUUUHHH??

Mom: Can you come to the door?

Erin: WHYYYYY?

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

(Alarm is dinging.)

Erin: WHATT?

Mom: Can you come to the door?

Erin: WHHHYYYYY?

(Taysha flips to another page - a drawing of my room with two new chairs in it. Taysha: "Look - I got them! I got them!" I feign happiness all the while thinking - "Why the fuck is Taysha re-decoring my room?" I go to my room and put something in it... then move it and apologize saying, "Oh I should probably find somewhere else for this and not mess up the room any further." Thinking in my head, "So your fucking chairs can fit." I go to the bathroom ... Taysha screams and knocks on the door. I don't respond. I hear Taysha whimpering to my mother and then running to the back bathroom. Apparently she's having a "sudden" attack of the runs. I smile a little.)

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Erin: WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY?

Mom: Just come to the door!!!

I get up and go to the door. (Fucking God Fucking Fuck Fuck WHY?)

Door opens a crack. Mom is standing there in a cute little denim outfit.

Erin: WHAT?

Mom: Dina (the housekeeper) is here!

Erin: So????

Mom: Get up! Use the bathroom so she can get in there and clean it!

Erin: No!! (Fucking fucking fucker)

Mom: Just do it! It's one day every two weeks! Adapt!

Erin (just glaring)

Mom: Do it!

Erin: Why couldn't you answer me through the door?

Mom: I didn't want to yell that she was here.

Erin: (Fucking bitch...yells every other goddamn thing...yells it "once every two weeks" but today she won't?)

Mom: And straighten it up while you're in there! Are those Miriam's shoes I found in there?

Erin: Yes.

Mom: They were muddy.

Erin: That's why they were in the bathroom.

Mom: Well I put them in your basket.

Mom departs. Erin walks into the bathroom.

Erin: (Fucking goddamn! Why the fuck am I in here? Cuz the fucking maid needs to mess my fucking system up. She better not fucking change my comfy sheets. I hate that shit. I should be sleeping. My fifth alarm hasn't even gone off. Goddamn mother fucking Dina. I should fucking go back to bed and close both doors so she can't do a damn thing. Make her fucking wait until I'm up. Goddamn Taysha "re-decoring" my room! What the fuck is that shit? Oh THANKS MOM for putting a new "basket" in my room for my fucking shit. I already had two "baskets" and I had them down to a system. One for hair product. The other for everything else but goddamn Dina can't tell what a fucking system is and fucked it up every time. Now you've moved my two system baskets and gave me a third for what the fuck now? WHY THE FUCK would you put muddy fucking shoes on top of my shit in the goddamn basket?? I'm putting these shoes on the ground. Dina can fucking deal. If that bitch loses my fucking tweezers again I'll kill her. I better hide my goddamn shit. Fucking Dina.)

An alarm starts dinging from the other room.

(FUCKING fucker! I should still be sleeping! That's only alarm number 3!!! Maybe I won't put my fucking contact lenses in and then I'll have to kick Dina the fuck out when I get up again. Fucking bitches!!!)

I put my contact lenses on.

(I'm going back to the goddamn bed! If that fucking "housekeeper" brought that fucking grandkid again I'm going to have to smile. Why the fuck are there kids in my goddamn house? Fuck smiling! I'll just glare.)

I exit the bathroom glaring. No one is around. I re-enter my bedroom and close the door.

(I can't go back to bed now! My friggin' contact lenses are in. That makes me fucking grouchy! What the fuck am I supposed to do now?)



NEEDLESS TO SAY - I'm not a morning person. (I really should have gone back to bed.)