Conflictions

So I've met this girl... Katie. And I'm really having conflicted feelings about Katie. Let me share.. y'know... just to get the feelings out in the air to see if maybe I can sort out these conflictions.

Katie = Just the most adorable Southern accent y'all ever did hear (and you know how I like my Southern accents). Very sweet. Very helpful. She's already met my mother ... the three of us met at the same time. We have a steady e-mail relationship going on right now except for the fact that, though I leave her messages, she rarely returns my calls opting to instead e-mail me back. I'm antisocial so I understand this. Not a problem! She has a cool last name (she doesn't win my "Coolest Last Name" award which is still in the hands of Mr. Blazewick III but it's decent.) However, I think she lies. I think I've caught her in a few lies already but y'know... these things happen when you're under stress.

Katie, in one concise definition, is my Dell Service Representative.

The story starts at Christmas (or just pre-Christmas actually) when the parents indicate that my gift for the year will be a new computer. (This actually is probably intended as a gift for my father ... since I can only use his computer to do my homework/e-mail/everything ... leaving him with no time on his own computer.) (And remember that monitor melting incident?)

Fast forward to a month ago when we finally sit down with the horribly abrasive human being that is Howard, the IT guy. For whatever reason... the fact that my computer has not yet been ordered has been blamed on the horribly abrasive Howard and his "illness" ... which was probably a cold that he's since recovered from eons ago. So Howard is finally drawn to the house to fix an internet problem that lasted far too long and while he's there we ask Howard to help with the new computer ordering. He takes all of about 3 minutes to "design" a Dell online and leaves. (This is actually a good thing because ... he's horribly abrasive. After he left my father was noted as saying, "Boy, his French is terrible." ... This was after Howard went on a tirade about all the guys at Microsoft sucking each other's cocks instead of using their brains or something.)

SOOOO... while mother was left with the Dell screen open and in the right frame of mind we called up Dell and met Katie. Somehow mother called some strange number and ended up in the employee purchase program ... how she got there no one knows BUT... we took it as good fortune because Katie was 1) Sweet 2) Hooking us up with discounts 3) American and in America. (As opposed to most of Dell's reps that are Indian in India.)

We both remained on the phone telling her what Howard thought we needed and what to cross off his list and what I knew I needed. The most important thing to this story = TV Tuner.

"Katie," I said, "the site says I can add an optional TV Tuner. I would like to do that because that's how I currently do all my video capturing and I need that." (Regardless of whether or not this is true, this is true for the story.)
Katie: "OK no problem. I'll add it on." (We proceed to discuss video editing program options... just to be clear... it was much discussed.)

"Katie I don't need fancy speakers because I already have a subwoofer and everything."
"OK"
"Katie I don't need a mouse because I have a brand new WACOM tablet with a mouse."
"OK, no mouse! Do you need a modem?"
"Well... I guess not really."

We proceed with our order. Katie reads us back everything on our list.

"Katie," I said, "Was the TV Tuner on that list?"
"Yup."
"OK good"

Flash forward to about a day later when we get the specs e-mailed to us. I see no TV Tuner on the list but assume that Katie has got it covered. "That super video card on there must have a TV tuner too," I thought.

Flash forward to the computer being delayed and rescheduled for various reasons. Finally, since it's been so long... I start really looking at the specs wanting to make sure that everything IS right before it arrives. I'm still worried about that TV Tuner (nevermind the fact that it says "speakers with subwoofer" on the list and there's definitely an extra USB port that we didn't order on there) so I start looking up the details on the super video card.... nope... no TV Tuner in that. Soooo I start trying to do one of those live chats with the Dell reps... they never work. Soooo I e-mail them but I get auto responses that are completely irrelevant. Sooooo I call Dell and get through to a rep that says they can't look at my computer because I went through the employee purchase program. I have to call Katie. (I've been avoiding this because I liked Katie and I didn't want to say, "Katie I think you fucked up.") Finally I get through to a rep who CAN look at my specs and they say, you guessed it, nope... no TV Tuner. But I still have to call Katie or her manager to have it added back in.

So I call Katie's manager first... the line's been disconnected.

So I give in and call Katie ... since she's a particular person she's never in when I call (as I don't wake up before noon) ... so I leave a message and e-mail.

We're now down to severe time constraints as it is now April 18 and the computer is supposed to ship on April 19.

Katie responds.. "Oh I'm so sorry. The order got delayed because my manager had to redo the virus thing on it and it looks like he left the TV Tuner out. I'll add it right back in. OK your new ship date is the 24th."

(The manager thing was a lie since the TV Tuner that Dell sells never appeared on any of the specs... pre or post the five delays. But I'll give it to her because when you're in a business like that you're allowed one "blame it on somebody else" pass. Personally I think she saw the "TV Out" on the super video card and just assumed that was a TV Tuner because she didn't know any better.) (I'm not even going to bring up the subwoofer... so I'll have two.. I'll deal.)

My computer arrives on Saturday, the 21st, having been shipped on the 19th. Since it wasn't even supposed to have shipped yet - I assume that it is the wrong computer and that it never got fixed. I don't open it but I do open the packing slip which lists all the components of the computer... no TV Tuner listed.

So I call/e-mail Katie and tell her I'm not opening it because I'm assuming I'll have to ship it back... Katie appropriately freaks out and then opens up the order and responds with a happy/excited e-mail saying that it is, in fact, the correct order and that I can open it and start enjoying it. The TV Tuner will list on a separate invoice I'll receive later because it was added after.

OK...I'll open it. I still think she's probably wrong but I'll be able to tell in two shakes of a lamb's tail if it has a TV Tuner or not. There's a lot I don't know about computers (thus the abrasive Howard having to list out what I need for me) but as I love cabling (if you'll recall from earlier posts)... I'll know a TV Tuner's inputs when I see one. And guess what... no TV Tuner. I even take off the casing and have a peek just in case it's somewhere where I don't expect it to be... nope.)

Also... in the box... a mouse.

Katie's gonna have a shit fit when she gets into the office tomorrow.

At this point in sales interactions (or usually before this point ... and oddly this happens often in my life) ... I'm usually fuming. Writing angry letters. Making angry "Your company is a stupid-head" phone calls... but because it's sweet Southern Katie that I get (or her sweet Southern voicemail outgoing message anyway) ... I keep giving her chances.

I think she knows she's getting these second/third/fourth chances with me. She doesn't want to fuck up the phone relationship we DO have ... if she calls she knows she may get the "I really want to speak to your manager" line and then somebody can blame her for being stupid... so I keep giving her the option to email or call. And she chooses email. It's a little game we're playing now... and it's still to be determined if it's Erin Vs. Katie or Erin & Katie vs. Dell.

Actually right now it's Erin pretending to be Erin & Katie vs. Dell while talking shit behind Katie's back. I have DONE Internet Website Customer Service/Sales... I understand the lies that you tell to make the customer happy. You usually still get in trouble but the customer doesn't "know" you're an idiot. I'm letting Katie play that part.

(Now if anybody read this far I expect you to give me your two cents.)

(And also start throwing out your name ideas because the computer is WHITE and needs some sort of middle ages name that reflects that to go along with my hardware naming theme ... Dagger, The Sheath, The Quiver, and The Minstrel (my ipod).) (And Ghost my thumb drive.. but he came pre-named.)

Finding myself

Bundled With Malaria

Part 1: I mention it on occasion but my FAVORITE humor is the mistakenly heard phrase. Often I can't hear what someone says so my brain will just fill it in with something that sounds sort of similar and I'll exclaim, "Earn more sessions by sleeving!?!?" I know full well that it's wrong but I enjoy accusing people of saying something dark and strange and then they correct me and we mutually giggle about what I originally "heard." The most recent example being:

Dad: Well this is bundled with malaria!
Erin: Bundled with malaria?!?!?!
Dad: I said this is a "fun little area."
Erin: Ha! Yes it is.

Part 2: I informed my father of my putting his "Knolys" up on the internet. He laughed and said, "Well that was my short hand." Then he held up his left hand and said, "Because my long hand was hurting."



(Note: The quote "Earn more sessions by sleeving" is from one of my favorite movie scenes in the movie ROXANNE with Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah. C.D. (Steve Martin) and Roxanne are arguing on the porch of her house:

C.D.: Ten more seconds and I'm leaving!
Roxanne (emerges from house): What did you say!?!?!?!
C.D.: I said, ten more seconds and I'm leaving!
Roxanne: Oh. (She starts to go back in.)
C.D.: Why? What did you think I said?
Roxanne: Earn more sessions by sleeving.
C.D.: What does that mean??
Roxanne: I don't know! That's why I came out to ask!