I'm extra creepy cuz I just fell down.

Sometimes I'm quite easily entertained by something not incredibly funny... but if it's funny to me I can laugh repeatedly for hours. Quotes out of context are particularly entertaining. My quote out of context for the weekend is "I'm extra creepy because I just fell down."

But I decided to give you context.

So after watching The Celluloid Closet my new friend "A" decided to rent THE CHILDREN'S HOUR. (Here's a brief summary with SPOILER) Audrey Hepburn and Shirley Maclaine run a school for girls (and have been best friends since college). One of their students is an evil she-brat who is trying to get out of going back to school so she tells her influential grandma that Audrey and Shirley are evil unnatural lesbians. Grandma then tells all the parents - girls get taken out of the school - Audrey & Shirley lose their libel case and have their reputations permanently tarnished. Then Shirley comes to grips with "Oh shit! I'm an unnatural lesbian after all! I want to have hot unnatural relations with Audrey-friend!" - and then outs herself to Audrey. THEN influential grandma finds out that the she-brat was lying and swears to reinstate the reputation of our two protagonists. But TOO LATE... Shirley's said too much to Audrey! So she makes the appropriate decision for evil unnatural lesbians and hangs herself from the nearest rafter. The End.

Well at some point during the viewing "A" got a little shifty and fidgety because she's a bad film student and doesn't like black and white flicks and since I'd already seen the last half of the movie we started doing a bad lesbian-themed MST3K heckling of events. So ... when Grandma finds out that she-brat granddaughter was lying about the teachers she gives the granddaughter a stare down. When the granddaughter won't come down the stairs to take her punishment like a man, grandma starts walking towards her... and she trips and falls. There's a moment of "Oh Crap! Look at what that evil kid made her do. She made grandma not look in front of her when she was stare-walking!!" before Grandma gets up... and is (yes, you guessed it) "extra creepy because she just fell down!" Haaaaaaaaaaa



But at least Shirley Maclaine was a cute unnatural deviant. (And I'm saying things like that more now because I've started to have some non-straight acquaintances and they expect these things that were previously just in my head to be said aloud. And you'd think it would be somehow freeing but it's just weird!)

Catgirl

The problem with managing my time like a cat (napping during the day, sleeping in and generally being nocturnal) is that I very often encounter the damn updates of websites that take place at "godawful" hours and I can't do the shit I wanna do!

Harry Recycled Witch

I love it! I love it so much it feels familiar. I may have posted this a long ass while ago... or this may be the first time I've seen it.

Harry Potter compared to The Worst Witch

Thumbsucker

Last night I saw a free screening of Thumbsucker (which is one of those movies that I'll mildly enjoy but I might find GENIUS after I read the novel its based on). It was cute... I thought the plot was mildly vague. The presenter compared it to Napoleon Dynamite (hate that movie) or Garden State (mildly enjoyed). Of the two it was definitely more like Garden State with a Real Women Have Curves ending. (What is about 'moving to the big city' that makes everybody free and happy??)

However this isn't a review! This movie stirred up some memories and so I decided to list a few of them.

But first:

Hello, my name is Erin, and I'm a recovered thumbsucker. I was a thumbsucker until I was 16. (Yes, it's true!)

That's one of my many kept "secrets" (of which I have no real kept secrets because at least one person knows every one of my secrets since I can't keep secrets).

Unlike the Thumbsucker character, I ONLY sucked my thumb at bed time and ONLY with my special knit "blankie" with the Tweety Bird on it.

And now... memories:

- The disgusting tasting thumb method of cutting the habit - I *think* I remember that method being used on me. At least I remember that there were occasions when my thumb didn't taste so good and that there might have been a specific evil reason for it.

- When my parents renewed their vows and had a proper wedding ceremony (I was about 7) they hired a cleaning service to come in and scour the house (where the reception was being held). This was when Blankie 1 disappeared!!!! Being me and knowing that my parents didn't want me to suck my thumb anymore - I accused them of paying the maids to discard my blankie! (More likely they probably thought the tattered thing was a rag and took it with them.) I was DEVASTATED!! I couldn't sleep for days!! I needed some kind of replacement but HOW COULD MY BLANKIE BE REPLACED?? The answer - #2 Blankie. This was actually it's name. Had it a birth certificate it would read "Number Two Blankie Lillis." #2 Blankie was #1 Blankie's first cousin. There was a bigger, fuzzier 3rd cousin but he didn't slip so well between my fingers and thumb. You see I needed to Smell the blankie while I sucked. It was the soft blankie and the dryer sheet smell that calmed me to sleep. (Please don't ask.. I don't know the psychological reasoning behind it but yes, I'm sure it had to do with being weened from the breastfeeding too soon or something.)

- Once I was finally used to it, #2 Blankie was THE one and only acceptable blankie. My mother would often steal the blankie (after laundering it) and hide it in her room. I remember going on several blankie hunts but always finding the blankie in the end. (My nights were really sleepless when I didn't have it.)

- I recall that when I was a bit older my mother and I sat down and had a discussion (let's say I was 10) about giving up the blankie. (I'm not sure if it was really the blankie they wanted rid of or the thumbsucking as well.) Knowing how badly I reacted to the original blankie disappearing and the tantrums I'd throw when she'd steal it - this time she folded it neatly, put it in a paper bag, sealed it. labeled it with a Sharpie (Erin's Blankie) and put it in my closet. We decided that, yes, it was time to give up the blankie. I would try to sleep without it... but if there were an emergency I'd know where it was. I think I made it one night without #2 Blankie before I ripped the bag open.

- I remember being self-conscious of my sucking thumb because the nail looked a little different. It was always shorter than the rest of my nails and a little softer (as you can well imagine).

- At some point it became a "fuck you" to society. I had several thumbsucker friends... and slowly they were giving it up... until by highschool I was the only one that I knew left. When going to the dentist they would tell me about my overbite and ask why ... I would always lie and say "I used to suck my thumb."

- Thumbsucking was one of the slew of reasons that I never really cared for sleepovers... I was too embarassed to bring my blankie but couldn't sleep without it.

- What finally had me give up the habit was distraction (or so we'll call her for the blog entry). It became an off and on thing and the moment I realized that I could actually fall asleep without the blankie I would sleep with it near me... or do a "sleepover" without it... or keep it under my pillow. And the thing is that I couldn't suck my thumb without the blankie... so the thumbsucking just fell by the wayside. It also occurred to me that I just couldn't do it anymore by the time I got to college so it was time to cut the habit on my own. (You see when it was MY decision - it worked.)

- And as a "just in case"... I believe I did take a patch of #2 Blankie with me to college.

And though I did eventually get some orthodontic work (but not braces) - I never bothered to fix my thumbsucker's overbite.

What Erin does for Fun!

How I kill some of my spare time:





(And then of course taking pictures of the slaughtered lemon, adding photoshop text and uploading useless pictures to blogs.)

Whoah

This blog was the header on Blogger today:

http://twinkieexperiment.blogspot.com/

Apparently two twins are trading places and blogging about the experience.

Grapple with Grape-L

Dad's on an organic/fruit/vegetable kick at the moment. Which is actually quite difficult for him because he's an "I only like vegetables from cans!" type of guy. The sad aspect of this is that he is doing it as a last minute attempt at heart health because he has a faulty valve and will need surgery soon. He's obviously a little scared because he keeps saying things like "I think I'll buy a new table saw ... but not until after surgery." (Which makes me think he's either afraid of the cost of the surgery... or worse, not surviving the surgery.) (Which I'm not thinking about! I'm not thinking about! I'm not thinking about!)

But on the organic/fruit/vegetable kick he brought home a box of "Grāpple™ brand apples" (pronounced Grape-L) which advertised that they "looked like an apple but tasted like a grape." Initially I thought that these were some cool new hybrid fruit like the Pluots we've been seeing (and eating) everywhere lately (Pluot = Half Plum/Half Apricot). I've even been informed that the next big thing is going to be Strawmatos (Half Strawberry/Half Tomato) imported from out of the country. But as I bit into a Grāpple I soon realized THIS IS NO HYBRID! This is an apple injected with artificial grape flavoring!! (And then I read the same on the plastic container they came in.) They didn't taste like grapes!! They tasted like purple candy!! Yeah they were nasty! (Unless you like purple candy.)

Grāpple

Pulp Culture

I'm in love with Jennifer Rapp.

Her art makes me laugh aloud... and a little maniacally at that.



(You can find the Teetersaw Tales cards here: http://www.pulpcouture.com and view her site at http://www.teetersaw.com)

Charity

My charity of choice in Katrina-relations:

Where are they now?

I've been a fan since 1992 but the November 1990 issue of "16" just brought to my attention something I wasn't aware of!

"The TV-Tattler - Meet the GLORY DAYS Boys!"

Betcha those hot new dudes caught you eye this summer - the stars of Fox-TV's limited series about four friends was a grabber. Who grabbed YOU the most?

NICHOLAS KALLSEN played Peter "T-Bone" Trigg, the one who was good-natured but usually broke! In real life, Nick's a total newcomer: He's never been on TV before! He studied theater at Boston University and had bit parts in the movies Say Anything and The Gambler.
BRAD PITT was Walter Lovejoy, the high school jock who, cut from his college team, quit to become a reporter. Brad's an LA babe you've seen before - on Growing Pains and in Dallas.
SPIKE ALEXANDER was the insecure rookie cop Dave Rutecki - in real life, Spike (whose real name is Stephen) is a TV tyro, whose one previous credit was a bit part on The Cosby Show. He's not new to performing, though: Spike's an accomplished lead dancer with the American Ballet Company.
EVAN MIRAND played Dominic Fopiano, the freshman struggling to overcome his working-class background. A native New Yorker, Evan's been in many stage productions and a few TV movies as well!



Mr. Kallsen has been in one thing since GD - "The Seventh Coin."
Mr. Alexander has been in a few more things, including the TV show "N.Y.P.D. Mounted."
Mr. Mirand was also in "N.Y.P.D. Mounted" and in a movie called "Fight Club."
Mr. Pitt... well he's been busy.

Some news about some stuff

Here's a smattering of how some landmarks are faring in NOLA:


AP News - Landmarks affected by Katrina

Katrina Points

I wanted to write a little something about Katrina but I didn't know how to put it into one cohesive post so here's just some thoughts and snippets.

- I've been watching a cycle of The Weather Channel, CNN Headline News and CNN (my Hurricane Katrina headquarters!) since probably Sunday night. I've been watching video feeds on the Internet. From predictions, to hurricane path watches, to past comparisons... and then to flood maps, and during-storm-wind shots and etc. I feel very involved in the whole process yet still I know nothing.

- Why have I been involved in the process? Well for one - Miriam's sister Nora lives there (or "lived" there... now she's on her way back to L.A.). Two - I finally visited New Orleans last year and now feel a sort of attachment to it. Three - Anne Rice vampires. Four - Ghosts. And most importantly, Five - if a hurricane of "biblical proportions" was going to submerge a city - I fucking wanted to witness that shit live!

- I could rant about the government and the shit they ain't doing fast enough but the person that peeved me the most was the head of FEMA who said (in response to the question "why weren't there National Guardsmen immediately ready to move in?") "We had brainstorming meetings with a lot of people and the simple explanation is that none of us foresaw this worst case scenario." Bull-fucking-crap!! I'm a non-logical-minded girl who has been to the city once as a friggin' tourist and every friggin' tour guide and taxi driver said "and these are our levees which, if they don't withstand a hurricane, will flood our below-sea-level city." So you're telling me, FEMA dude, that I knew that and your highly prepared and intellectual group of planners didn't see that coming??? Again I mention that I was WATCHING the hurricane LIVE to see if it would submerge the city.

- And yet watching everything live still ended up with me missing everything. I tried to stay up the whole night to watch Katrina hit but I ended up going to bed and waking up the next morning to watch some video tape of storm and winds. The best was when the CNN anchor said "Let's just listen to the wind on this tape for a moment" and then they cut to storm footage and the reporter (on the scene) could be heard saying "Fuck Me!!"

- And still I've been watching a cycle of news coverage to try and find out about the things concerning me like "What happened to the animals at the Audubon Zoo?" "What's going to happen to the students that were about to start school and the universities?" "What happened to the universities?" "Are there gators floating by everywhere?" "Does Nora have a job??" "Is the French Quarter covered in powdered sugar... making it a syrupy sort of mess?" And etc... but every focus has been "where are the helicopters?? where's the food??" (Which is obviously also important.)

- I have an acquaintance through MySpace who's from New Orleans. We met in a "paranormal" group there because she'd actually seen my picture of Julie the Octoroon ghost from Royal Street on the internet. (http://www.neworleansghosts.com/Ghosts.htm Picture number 13!) She wasn't in town at the time Katrina hit because she'd flown out to be a bridesmaid in a wedding. Now all she's left with (as her house is gone) is the bridesmaid dress, two changes of outfit, flip flops and $200 in the bank. I told her I'd rather give her the $20 donation I could afford to make sure that she could buy a couple of tacos and a pair of Payless shoes. She told me she'd be too humiliated to take any handouts... but desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm waiting a few days more to see if she'll change her mind. (Though now she wants me to call her to talk about it all and I'm like "ewwww! Phones!" but... desperate times call for desperate measures.)

- When my parents and I were in New Orleans last year we stayed in a hellish B & B that shouldn't have been open to the public yet as their rooms were OBVIOUSLY not ready to be occupied by humans. My Dad giggled a little evil the other day and said, "I wonder what happened to that place!" I checked their site. They've said they didn't have a lot of damage and the music in the courtyard will resume shortly. Oh and if you happen to be without a home... they'll soon be offering long-term stay packages. (?????!?!?!??!?!) (There's no fairness in this world.) (http://www.creolegardens.com/) But to give them the benefit of the doubt... I don't think the owners (or at least the one that wrote that up on the site) have actually been back to survey the damage yet.

- If you want to know my thoughts on the looting you can read T's "Tea & Toast" blog because all I'd pretty much write is "Yeah! What she said!!" But with the addition, "Now that you've floated that flat screen back to your submerged apartment... where did you plan on plugging that in Genius?"

- The convention center. Who the frick FORGOT to tell FEMA about the convention center?? That's one hell of a missed memo.

Positive Energy

(I don't even have to try.)

Big Bopper - June 1990

"Milli Vanilli is Full of Meaning"

Names never lie, and the secret to this duo's success comes partly from their catchy name!

A group's name often reveals a lot about the musical style and personality of its members. Milli Vanilli is no exception.

Derived from the Turkish language, milli vanilli means positive energy when translated. And when you see Rob Pilatus and Fabrice Morvan sing and dance to their hit songs, including "All or Nothing" or "Blame it on the Rain," you know positive energy is what this European duo is all about.

...

When Michael Jackson's music became popular in Germany, this green-eyed talent started to see things a little differently. "I could make it. Michael gave me confidence and hope that I could make it as a pop star, even if I was black," confesses Rob as he tosses back his long black braids of hair.

...

But Fab promises his fans that no matter how big they get, they will never sit back and take their succes for granted.

Sage Words

As you may have noticed in the longish post previous (written as my mother) - I recently uncovered a pile of dirty magazines while working to tidy up my parents' garage. ("Dirty" as in there is dirt and dust and mouse chew holes in/on them.) The stuff I'm going through is large trash bags full of my old toys and belongings that were dragged out to my garage by two people hired, by my mother, to bag it all up and toss it out of my room when I was a preteen. I was supposed to go through it then... but you know... procrastination. Now most of it is just going directly into the trash since a lot of it has been pooped on.

But these magazines are gems!! They hold enormous value to society and history and yet they're too worn and dirty for eBay. So I've decided to go through them and pull out some of their sage words and humorous (in retrospect) quotes, document them in this blog and then toss the zine!

The first contender is the June 1990 issue of "The Big Bopper."

Immediately I giggle because there is a front page headline which reads "WHY DOESN'T CHAD ALLEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?" (This is funny because Chad Allen is now "out.") I flipped open to find out "why" and found that I had previously cut out that page. (This is going to be one of the problems with this interesting project because half of these magazines have been "clipped" to fill my Fred Savage shrine binders and my New Kids on the Block files.)

But I DID manage to find this goodness in an article about Tom Cruise:

"Fifteen-year-old Chad Allen is also a fan of the July 3, 1962 birthday celebrator. 'I really look up to Tom,' reveals Chad as he points to the Risky Business and Top Gun posters hanging on his bedroom walls. 'Tom is young and he's done so many great movies, I'd like to be in a movie with him someday.' "

It's a boy!!

Yay!! I'm a Fake Aunt!!

L & G popped out the lil' dude this morning at 9:33 (eastern standard time)!

Panda Cam

Just in case you want to know where to view Panda Cam with Queen Barb: http://animal.discovery.com/cams/pandavidr.html

If Mom had a blog...

T told my mother to get a blog. I've been thinking about what this would look like for fun entertainment. It would probably go something like this:

Monday
Cindy called to complain about her tenants. We talked for thirty minutes before Princess Kaylene (her pretty poodle) interrupted her with a need for a walk. She has puppy pads for the indoors but she needs the exercise. Cindy can be entertaining but I wish she wouldn't call so often because I can't get any work done. For lunch and dinner John made me too much food again. I have a very tiny stomach and he keeps giving me too much food. And when I'm full I sneeze. And when I sneeze I feel like I'm popping the hundreds of internal stiches from my recent tummy tuck.

The "kid" finally rolled out of bed at Noon. I can't believe she took all the seats out of the van again. What if I wanted to entertain people in the living room?? Brat!

Entered all of mine and Princess Kaylene's Star EIP points. I watched 2 Carol Duvalls, one Simply Quilts, Practical Magic and Shrek 2.

Tuesday
J.T. woke me up sometime between 5 and 6. Brat Cat! I went to the Weight Watchers meeting this morning followed by lunch at Coco's with a friend. When I got home John and Erin were working in the garage and they pulled me into the backyard to show me a beehive that the pest control guy had found. What is the pest control guy doing here on a Tuesday?? They're supposed to come on Wednesdays!

I want to sell the house but one look at that garage - I don't think we're ever leaving. I don't know what Erin was doing in there but it resulted in a pile of nasty looking "Teen Beats" sitting on my coffee table. John is working on yet another "project". Well at least it keeps him entertained while Erin uses his computer. (That man is getting so blind, deaf and forgetful!)

I voted on what to name the new baby panda at the Seattle zoo. Some of the names were pretty stupid like Chinese for what translated to "China Washington." I watched Mama Panda carrying around bamboo and poking at the poor baby for an hour on Panda Cam. It was like weird.

I have so much work to get done.

Entered Star EIP and KIIS club points. I watched 1 Carol Duvall and some Designing for the Sexes.

Wednesday
Boutique day! The old ladies were in a tizzy when we came into the Parish hall to find that the tables had been moved around. These creatures of habit! They had no idea where to sit (like it makes a difference ladies??). It was entertaining. Cathy brought in two boxes of Hamburger Helper that she picked up from somewhere so I bought them from her - dinner! Cindy called to talk about her surgery preparation when I got home. I think she can walk the princess after a day or two but she's worried. Gwen DEMANDED that Erin go buy her milk today. She's DEMANDING things now? She has the Internet - she should order up some delivery groceries! I didn't get any work done today because by the time I got through with Cindy and six or seven rounds of FreeCell - it was time to go teach the swim class. I left the kid in charge of cooking up the Hamburger Helper.

Side note: It looks as though some of J.T.'s hair is growing back in! The bumps on his back that I formerly thought were crow beak attacks are probably bee stings!

Entered Star EIP and KIIS club points. Got a refund check from Ebates. com. I took a nap during Simply Quilts and then Erin and I watched some weird movie that she'd rented: Priscilla Queen of the Desert

Thursday
I think the kid actually got out of bed while it was still morning!!

Mary called to tell me that she'd gotten her full set of dentures. I can't believe she's lost all of her teeth! She says its genetic but personally I think its due to all of the Coca-cola she drinks. It's like weird. John's birthday is tomorrow and I totally forgot about it. Luckily Cindy came through with some last minute cheap Hollywood Bowl tickets so I'm dragging him and Erin along. I don't know what the show is but we're going to picnic! And I don't care if John complains! He'll picnic damnit!!

I had to call Gevalia because my shipment of coffee hasn't arrived. According to their site it was delivered to the "porch" on Tuesday but nobody picked it up. I asked John and Erin and J.T. I even asked the neighbors. The coffee is missing. I wonder if the pest control guy picked it up. Gevalia knows what "Customer Service" is and they're sending out a new box of coffee. The lady at the pest control office, however, does NOT know what Customer Service is! This nimwit told me I HAD to tell her the name of the technician that told us about our beehive. How was I supposed to know? I also complained because the pest guy came on Tuesday and not Wednesday. Y'know the last time I called they told me they were firing her but SHE'S STILL THERE! How am I supposed to get all of this work done when I have to deal with all of this?

Entered Star EIP and KIIS club points - might have enough points for a movie screening. I watched Carol Duvall, Million Dollar Baby and The Cat in the Hat

Friday
I spent the morning in the "craft room" (after forwarding several joke e-mails from my cousin Jerry) listening to a Harry Potter audio book on my new portable DVD player (which also plays MP3's) which I had purchased to use after my Surgery while staying in "Serenity."

Erin got up before 10 - what is the world coming to?

I'm telling Erin and John that we have to be at Cindy's between 5:30 and 5:45 so that we can leave exactly at 6:00 (because Cindy tends to do things at the last minute).

John is now doing woodwork in the hallway!! Even if we could keep a clean house we couldn't!

I'll have to write more later.... I don't see how I'm going to have any time for work today. Also, I have to remember to set up the VCR for "Monk" and "The Dead Zone."

Excitement of the Week

So Tuesday the water broke and my pseudo-big-sisters from the East (whom I met when I was 14 or 15 in a "Fried Green Tomatoes" message board) will be having my little pseudo-niece or pseudo-nephew sometime this week (instead of its October due date).

I'm super excited and at the same time - freaking out and worried worried worried!

Also on Tuesday, the pest man discovered and pointed out a bee-hive in my parents' backyard. I think it's a bee-charmin' little sign! The baby will be a lil' Idgie. (And under the premie circumstances - I've suggested that they name the baby "Dinky.")

Birthday luxuries...

My parents have apparently decided that the easiest thing to give me as a gift is a wad of cash. For Christmas I received a "Money Machine" (along with some other choice friends) which was filled with U.S. cash taped together with some good ol' gift certificates thrown in the midst. There are still some of those certificates that I haven't used yet and I only recently settled on what to buy with the greenbacks - my very new and very cool 10 disc CD changer for my car. (Which goes by the cute nickname "10 Disc CD Changer". For example: "Erin, what is that blue glowing thing?" "Oh that is the control for my 10 Disc CD Changer!" or "Have you heard the new Anna Nalick cd? I've been listening to it on my 10 Disc CD Changer.")

For my birthday I received an envelope with 2 fifties in it. Normally (as per the 10 Disc CD Changer example) I would hold on to the money and debate about what to buy for months..... and months.... This time, however, I knew almost instantaneously what I wanted! I visited several stores to see if I could find something to top the expensive model I wanted (since the expensive model is cool but not very visually exciting) but nothing could compare. So today Miriam joined me as I ventured to Brookstone and picked up this beauty:



My thoughts were "I like to read and write while sitting on the bed. I'm constantly at a loss for a well-positioned light. The pillows are never comfortable. I also like to have a beverage when I'm reading/writing and sometimes window-sills are just not convenient." I rationalized the purchase well. In fact, I used to sit up on my previous bedrest (a.k.a. "Husband") and have a small bucket next to me which held my books, book light, water, pen, etc.. I slept with that bucket next to my head for at least a year. This item has convenient pockets! I will be able to live and sleep like Erin... but in more luxury. I will feel rich! (Considering the thing was $125.. I better damn well feel luxurious and rich!)

When I walked out of the store Miriam took one look at the giant picture of the bedrest with cup-holder and remote pocket and said, "This is a new unemployment low."

The Ed Scissors Ballet

I just found out that Edward Scissorhands has become a ballet/dance-piece that is now touring the UK and hopefully making its way to the U.S. Weird! I want a ticket!

http://www.edwardscissorhands.co.uk/

Wow

My comments got spammed! I finally got a slew of comments from someone other than "T" and it was all spam. I suppose, karmically, I deserved that.

Today in the real world...

Here's a sad fact about Erin's life - Erin prefers MySpace and naptime dreaming to real life... it's much more entertaining to Erin and so she is concluding that this convoluted combination of celebrities and weird occurances shall henceforth be known as "real life."

Today, in real life, some dude sent me this e-mail:

"House the weekend treating today?"

I really didn't know how to respond.

Today, also in real life, I went to Miriam's new apartment inside a Dave & Buster's styled apartment building on a cliff overlooking the beach. The outside of her studio had TV screens on it playing various music videos around the clock. We had to ride an escalater to get to the room and hanging above the escalator, if you looked towards the ceiling, there was a hanging word cut-out that said "The Heavens"... so that if you looked up while ascending you would notice that you were quickly approaching "The Heavens."

Suddenly Miriam turned into the little girl from Matilda



and she unwrapped a chocolate bar to discover a golden ticket



Suddenly I was her "Grandpa Joe" and was trying to coax her to hide the ticket in her shoe but a "bad man" saw her about to do it so I pushed her into a secret corner next to the escalator at which point I turned into a crazed-white-haired-white-eyeballed-old-she-creature and scared the shit out of her.



But then the eyeballs turned from white to normal and I was ... suddenly ... that chick that dated Ross for a minute and a half on Friends... at which point I was like all cool and "Honey, why are you screaming?"




YESTERDAY, in real life, I was a young CSI lab assistant



who had discovered that the crimes we were researching were being committed by a mummy-man who could disolve into dust at will. However, I was trying to avoid stepping on the toes of my older sister (and full CSI detective) who was really the one on the case.



I knew how to stop him though... I just had to hide near his lair (which was located in a cave-like sewer connection which you could exit and enter from the side of my house) and spray him with the hose when he came near. This would make his dust wet and he couldn't fly away so freely. Eventually we were tackling his muddy body.... but I woke up before the resolution. Obviously we were only CSI's with little to no training in mummy curse removal so I doubt we won the day.

Try this at home!

Here's something you should try if you have a spare second and want to see something interesting...

Do the following:

1.) Open Google.com and type in the search "miserable failure."

2.) Don't click search, but click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

3.) What is it that you see?!


Sad... but oh so true! This is no joke!

Pass this on to all of your friends!

Celebratory Tomatoes

Today I'm old.

Fried green tomatoes made me feel better about it!

Current fixation

Current fixation? = Answering questions by repeating the questions.

I'm finding myself stuck on this method of communicating this week. If asked a question, I will first repeat it (in fragment format) and then answer in detail.

Example:

You: Erin, what do you want to do for your birthday?
Me: Birthday doings? I haven't figured that out.

Kooky

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gorgeous Herbalist. Where You Lived: Ontario. How You Died: Hung for treason.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Well I don't know about being a gorgeous herbalist in Ontario... but I do know that I've been hung in more than one past life. So that's weird. ;)

Possible new "Current Fixation"

I just found this on HBO's "On Demand" listings the other night... CATHOUSE!

This is the new (and possibly better) version of HBO's "REAL SEX!" And just like Real Sex, since I'm living at home, I still have to watch it with the volume very low after everyone has gone to bed.

(And I'm in love with one of the ho's.. that's a problem.)

Scammer

I ordered the new Harry Potter on audio cassette over a month ago from Amazon. Unfortunately I managed to get some scam artist Amazon seller who took the money from a slew of people and ran. We all had to wait until now (about a month after our orders and our taken money) to file our official claim with Amazon. This blows. This is the second time I've had a bad seller experience but at least the first time the seller was a real person who contacted me to say "Oh Crap! I don't have that book after all!" This person has a 90% negative rating and is still allowed to be on the site and sell (not for long - I'm sure - but still!).

So anyway - don't buy from "c_haufe2000".

Now I have to wait for the official "investigation" before I'll get my refund and be able to buy the book from someone else.

Pretty Persuasion

The PRETTY PERSUASION screening was an odd mix of studio execs, bums off the street, ladies in gowns and celebrities. It was a freebie screening for "Campus Circle", a benefit screening for a group called "Gen Art" (the gowned people... they had some swanky party afterwards) and a premiere for involved friends, family and associates. James Woods was in attendance (and barely found a seat). We all thought that was cool until the movie started and we watched the man touch himself on screen..... then it was just awkward.

The movie was just... OK. Unlike its comparison material (Heathers, Election) it was actually not quite a comedy. It had comedic moments (which .... when you think about it... were actually moments where the movie was laughing at the audience who was laughing). I believe Mean Girls pulled off this movie's goal a little better than PP did - minus the slight Muslim agenda of the story.

And... although I love Evan Rachel Wood (she's a double-puncher having starred with both Winona and Mary-Stuart Masterson after all)... the movie should have been made 7-8 years ago with Christina Ricci. (Though, then, the Muslim agenda wouldn't have made sense.) Or now with Jena Malone since Evan essentially looked just like Jena with her darkened hair.

Overall - I give it a C (for effort).

(Meanwhile I just watched THE EMPEROR'S CLUB today. That gets a "D" for "dumb stupid waste of my time since I don't care about any of the characters")

Current Fixation

Current Fixation = Taking self-portraits in mirrors and reflections

And this is just silly fun:

Danglin' Monkeys

Aghast!

Something Deep & Meaningful

Take a Risk ... Don't waste your soul!

I have this new friend who is my designated "culture buddy." Or something like that. She's from Michigan and has been here for a year so she's trying to build up some local friends and so far I'm one of them.

Two weeks ago we went to see Reprise! at the Ford Ampitheater. (Which is where the first Wicked concurrance occurred.)

Friday we went to see The Aristocrats (which I hadn't really heard of prior to her request to see it). It was laugh-out-loud funny but please don't take your parents. Awkward moments! I tried to explain some of the muffled foreskin singing to Queen Barb the next day and she made a face like, "Please stop. Please stop. Please, why do you think its OK to tell me this?" Basically... if you find humor in things like incest, poop-eating and anal rape... remember, I said I laughed "ALOUD." Funny! Some people did leave after the first twenty minutes. The rest of us wallowed in it. The card trick, the mime, Christopher Walken and Liza Minelli were the best.


Last night we went to try "frozen custard" at Lickity Split's on Hollywood Blvd. at the Egyptian theater. Frozen custard... eh! Tasted just like ice cream to me. The treat, however, was the cones (chocolate cones, chocolate cookie cones - like the bottom of Mud Pie!, pretzl cones, chocolate chip cones and M & M cones). After that we went to see My Date With Drew at the Arclight - my first time there. Turns out the Drew crew was there - Brian (the dater) and the two buddies that made it with him. I'm wondering if they're just going to every screening because it wasn't a scheduled Q&A event but they are doing a bunch of appearances at the Arclight. Anyway - the movie was ADORABLE! And I can connect to the movie makers in like 2 steps (through Hollywood boss and a place I temped at). (Which puts me at 4 steps to Drew.) (And now I have to rent Grease 2.)

Today I spent working on a sort of spec writing assignment (which relates back to afore mentioned possible musical project). So I spent the day at the Westside Pavillion... strangely a large hub of noise is much better than a semi-quiet room with nearby screaming children. (I hate the neighbor kids at home.)

Tomorrow Culture Buddy and I are going to a free screening of Pretty Persuasion ... which is again at the Arclight. I'll let you know how that is (if we get in line early enough). The current comparison is a cross between HEATHERS and ELECTION - both good movies.

(Meanwhile... if you're wondering why I'm occasionally linking to strange things like "open letters to Bob Connolly", watches, car insurance and drug recall notices... its because some dude is paying me 5 bucks a link.) (I'm trying to make it interesting for you though.)

Recap

So to recap my last week - there were LOTS of coincidences which led to a meeting with a woman to discuss writing the "book" (or "libretto") for a musical destined for Broadway. I have now officially submitted my spec assignment and the next time you hear from me I may be destined for the Tony's. (Or headed back to Craigslist for more job opps.)

(I just can't wait to spend my millions on luxuries like auto insurance and health coverage.)

FYI - If you were taking Bextra for your painful menstrual cycles... now there are bextra lawsuits against the drugmakers. (I'd never heard of it prior but noticed it because of my whole college Phen-Fen lawsuit drama... which really wasn't very dramatic. I mean... I got a free video tape of my heart valves! And some money... which I gave to my mother since she paid for my small appetite.)

WhatAWayToWannaBe

I can understand ties on women when its a young Avril Lavigne sorta thing but yesterday I drove by a woman (obvious by her large busoms) wearing a tucked in man's silk shirt and a long blue tie. I suppose she could have been a security guard sans blazer but as she was she just looked like a sore attempt at some sort of mannishly styled woman.

Please tell me if I dress like a mannishly styled woman (again). (However things like nice Ulysse-Nardin
Complications GMT Men's watches and other expensive white-gold with glowing blue gadget items don't count. Unless it's a glowing white gold athletic cup with digital read-out.

Open Letter

Inspired by my friend Taysha's open letter to Lindsay Lohan (and this odd little online letter for Bob Connolly) I have decided to write an open letter to television networks.

Dear Major Corporate Television Networks,

I am tired of your copycat ways! Be original! Watch a little cable and get a clue.

Signed,

Erin

(But seriously - I just saw a preview for "The Ghost Whisperer" which is just about the stupidest friggin' name for a show when "The Dog Whisperer" has already capitalized on the spoofy reference to the lame ass movie "The Horse Whisperer." Sorry - I really didn't like that movie. Not to mention... it looks just like MEDIUM... which is a good show! "How I Met Your Mother" does look cute... primarily because Alyson Hannigan is in it ... and Neil Patrick Harris is kinda funny in a non-Doogie way. But still... it looks like a half-breed Friends/Coupling. And Coupling in and of itself was a terrible copy of what was probably a good show for the BBC. "Close to Home" looks just like "Cold Case"... I mean ... it isn't... but still there are a lot of 30-something blonde female detectives. And I'm just so sick of law/crime and doctors. Meanwhile - cable is offering up a new show starring Mary-Louise Parker and Elizabeth Perkins as suburban moms who sell marijuana - called Weeds - http://www.sho.com/site/weeds/home.do. THIS... is a decent idea.)

(Though seeing Stockard Channing making a comedic sit-com turn this next season will be something to watch!)

Good ol' Mom!

My mother is a naysayer. She'll find the negative in every proposal/story/idea etc. But it can, at times, be quite humorous.

So last night this amazing thing happened which I probably shouldn't talk about via blog but let's just say that the Wicked synchronicity paid off big-time!

This morning I start to tell the story to my mother and, knowing that she'll immediately poke a hole in it, I preface the story with: "I don't know if it pays anything and frankly I don't care because the potential opportunity is too big."

So then I tell the story (which ends in "And so I'm going to meet this woman on Wednesday.")

My mother agrees with me that the story is amazing... fates really collided... and then she says:

Queen Barb: So you're going to this person's house?
Me: Yeah, I think it's her house.
Queen Barb: Not cool, Erin.
Me: Why? What do you mean?
Queen Barb: You're going to go to some stranger's house?
Me: Yeah... a lot of people work from their homes.
Queen Barb: This could be a rape scheme!

Ahhh... good ol' Mom!

Flowery

Flowers, in theory, are a good concept for "thoughtful" and pleasant little gifts. Personally I only think they're good for weddings and funerals.

I'm a rare conundrum. I like attention.... but third person attention. I'd like you to read all about Erin and talk about how wonderful Erin is ... but don't friggin' look at me! Flowers cause lookie-loo attention. Oh, horrible!

This particular flower-issue probably stems from high school. I'd met a guy online (surprise, surprise), an army seargent who was departing to whatever base the next day, and I'd spent a night selfishly bitching to him about how evil and slutty and mean and horrible and cruel a particular "friend" of mine was. Then in a moment of insight I decided to give him my high school's phone number and convinced him to call it the following day and leave a message in the office... maybe convince them to announce it over the PA's somehow. I dreamed a dream of "Lisa, the free clinic called and your test results were positive," coming out with the homeroom announcements.

Instead - Mr. Army Seargeant (his screenname was SARGE) called the school and got their address and then SENT ME ROSES... AT SCHOOL!! The school actually had a "no flowers accepted" policy but the flowery delivery guy just wandered onto the property and JUST HAPPENED to stop at my religion class door and asked "Does anyone know where I can find Erin L.?" I was MORTIFIED.

And then that evil bitch slut Lisa went around and started a rumor that the handwriting on the card looked like mine and therefore I must have sent the evil roses to myself! Because, of course, what man would send roses to Erin?

The note on the card, by the way, read "Thank you for last night! Love, Sarge" Idiot! (Apparently he was sending an honest thank you because I'd taken his mind off the fact that he was shipping off wherever.)

So - remember! Don't send flowers! Send a plant!

Starring the Fantabulous Erin

Got a call from friend Andy S. today... asking me to come be in her movie as a background extra and to please bring my dad. So I did and we drove on over the the trailer park in Santa Monica where we "acted" as white trash riff-raff in a one-minute episode of a 15 episode series that Andy S. plans to distribute to cell phone companies.

So I may soon be downloadable to a multimedia phone near you.

There was also an incident during filming involving an irate and inebriated woman who was blasting her car stereo while shouting to the neighbor (that asked her to turn it down), "Bitch, you need to get laid!" She later left and then came two more times blasting some Tom Jones and then some oldies while singing at the top of her lungs.

The disturbing part is that any and all heated altercations immediately cause Erin's adrenaline to pump. This then puts Erin in "fight" mode and I find myself approaching the inebriated irate stereo blaster wondering what the hell I'm going to do. The only thing that keeps me out of trouble is knowing that I'm not gonna win if fists fly.

Synchronicity

Since my days at WickedCoolStuff.... the synchronicity in daily life has been tougher to find.

Tonight, however, it was found!

Last Sunday I saw WICKED (fabulous fabulous fabulous!!!) (did I mention fabulous?)!

Tonight I went to a "Reprise!" show at the Ford ampitheater where they sang 3 songs from WICKED. (This isn't the synchronicity quite yet.)

Yesterday I was thinking about a male acquaintance, Josh P. On the table when I got home was a letter to my dad, handwritten, with the return address of Josh P. I thought "Now that's weird! I wonder if this is the same Josh P. Why would Josh P. be writing to my dad??" So I opened the letter which included a business card with a picture of my Josh P. on it. Turns out he is a realtor and he'd been around the area and had talked to my dad about potentially listing the house. The letter was a follow-up note. Now I'm gonna have to e-mail Josh P. and tell him about this.

After this phenomenon, I turned on the television and BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA was playing on one channel and ALIEN RESURRECTION on another. Two Winona movies on at the same time. I watched the end of AR and then I flipped to a channel where MY SO CALLED LIFE was starting (aahhh... the good old days of Angela and Jordan Catalano!) I noticed, as the credits ran by, the name Winnie Holzman. Now, wait a minute... didn't she write the book for WICKED (the musical)?

So... Winnie and Winona.... Winnie and Winona.... I'm thinking this means I'm going to "win" something. I have no idea how Josh P. plays into this. Maybe I'll win a house.

He gave good head!

I have been in El Monte petsitting for the last two weeks and now I don't know how I'm going to survive without that chihuahua, Mortimer, snuggling up with my head at night!

Phooey!

While there is still some hope for the Universal position, it appears as though the Audio/Visual hotel job has been lost.  I waited with bated breath but... nothing.  It has been a full week from the day I was supposed to hear so I'm no longer holding out any hope.

 

BUT IN THE MEAN TIME... Here's a picture of my cool new shoes.  (They are so very Erin.)

Universal Interview

Today I went for my two-part interview at Universal. My first stop was with the HR woman who went over my resume very briefly but spent most of her time coaching me about what to say and what to point out in the second part of the interview (which was going to be with the person I would be the assistant of). She explained the position and told me that the dude was rather quiet and needed to be drawn into conversation and that I should ask him about what he does, etc.

When I got to the guy he was a chatty fellow and the job was along the same lines but different than what HR lady had described it as.

As it turns out - the Universal job is in the New Media marketing section (so I'd be working with movie websites and movie art... which I LOVE), I'd be working in movies (which is obviously my life goal), is union and it starts at $37,000 (which is more than the A/V job).

Plus the guy was really nice and called me in special after he was done interviewing (he thought) because my resume was so great. (He said "I even put an exclamation point next to your name!" and told me after the interview that my variety of experience was so perfect and that he knew it would be great for other departments if it didn't work out for his.) (AND we went to the same college as did his boss so I think that gets me points.)

He expects to make decisions about who to call in for a second interview by next week.

Update on the Career Front

I'm thinking that job hunting is all about putting your resume online - shooting it off to about a hundred people and then just waiting for a few months.

Today I had my third interview with the Audio/Visual people (this was the all important job which required the hair cut and suit).
This job opportunity came about because the recruiter saw my Monster resume (on Monster). I've since had two phone screening interviews, a first
in-person interview with the recruiter in Long Beach, a second "interview" (which was really a tour of a hotel) in Pasadena, and my third with the three
regional heads today (again in Long Beach). It seems to be between me and two younger guys... we all have different backgrounds but I believe I have
the experience. WHO KNOWS? I should, by the end of this week.

I have another set of two interviews tomorrow (Wednesday) at Universal. Near as I can figure, this was a job I applied for on June 6th and they just called
me at the end of last week. (Maybe their first round of applicants sucked?)

This, in total, will make FOUR jobs that I've gotten as far as "interview" for.

The first was for an international trailer editing company (they were looking for a receptionist that would later promote to sales).

The second was for an exec-assistant position at a t-shirt company (which was headed by a former Xena actress... the reason I applied). (It would have
been weird if I worked as an assistant to someone I had the action figure of though.)

And the third was for the hotel A/V company and the fourth for Universal.

FATE, by the way, is gunning for the Universal job. I decided years ago that it was my fate to work for Universal because of the synchronicity of it all!
(Fried Green Tomatoes was made by Universal, the theme park hired me (and Dland didn't), my Hollywood Boss was the former head of Universal, my first temp
job was at Universal music...)

However... we shall see. Fate may wait.

Meanwhile I'm "homeless" - moved out of my apartment in Monrovia - currently house/petsitting for a chihuahua named Mortimer in El Monte. All my belongings
("most of" my belongings) are in storage in West L.A. I have a few scary roommate possibilities. Oldest friend Amy is having financial thoughts. I'm having
timing thoughts (if I get the A/V job... I might move out of California after three months.) A certain Turkish rap-star wants to live with me... and that's
just frightening... though he offers to share his groupies.

And that's the news on the E front.

An Era Has Ended

No more MEBL in Monrovia! :(

(But here's a goofy picture that our Mom & Pop moving company took: http://www.mover50.com/feed_back/FeedBack2/FeedBack052054.htm )

(And you should note that my ACTUAL customer quote was "You guys were HORRIBLY friendly and SICKENINGLY efficient" but I guess our mover head dude "forgot" what I said.)

Birth

Today I watched the Nicole Kidman movie "Birth." I've decided that this movie was in fact named "Birth" because it is chock full of the "pregnant pause." I'd venture to guess that 50% of this movie is silent as everybody reacts in dramatic pause to something that's just been said for a good 2-3 minutes each time.

There's a famous scene in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST where the camera stays in a close-up on Jack Nicholson for one full minute. I think BIRTH's goal was to beat this record.

Briefly the story is about Nicole's reaction to a 10 year old boy who shows up and says he's her dead husband reincarnated. It's like CHANCES ARE without the humor (and the creepy wrong ending).

So here's a recap of the movie:

10 Year Old Boy: "I'm Sean"

Nicole: "You're not Sean."



10 Year Old Boy: "I'm Sean."

Nicole: "No, you're not."

10 Year Old Boy: "I'm your husband. You're my wife."

911 In Plane Site

911 In Plane Site

Oh dear. I want to see this documentary.

Latest Vulva Puppets

Latest Vulva Puppets

(You've gotta see this.)

Chillin' like a Villian

I have an important job interview coming up this week. It was important enough (to me) to merit a new interview outfit (procured from THE GAP and the Juniors department of Robinsons-May... let me just tell you how excited I was to purchase items that FIT ME from THE GAP and the Juniors department of Robinsons-May.... I had to suck up my very pride to even walk into THE GAP and there found that I wasn't actually looked at funny AND found a friggin' shirt ... then... I was unstoppable and boldly pranced into the Juniors department of Robinson's May!)

Not only a new outfit but I decided I also needed new hair highlights (and a trim, more importantly, to get rid of my split ends).

You must understand (for the rest of this story)... that I was traumatized at a young age by a certain Asian hair-stylist in Santa Monica (who now has her own salon near the Third-Street Promenade). She was my grandmother's favorite stylist. Once, when I was in my grandmother's care and probably about 8 or 9 years old, she Shanghaied me into this salon where Shoo-Pin (what we will call her) listened to what my grandmother wanted and proceeded to comb out all of my cute little girl curls (she called them cow-licks) and gave me a boy-cut. (And for reasons beyond my understanding I was taken to Shoo-Pin on more than this one occasion. And my mother later chose Shoo-Pin as her personal stylist before finally realizing that Shoo never listened to her and she finally, only recently, escaped from this relationship.)

So I have a complex about hair-stylists and salons and for many many many many years avoided them at ALL costs and if I HAD to go I would actually go through some post-traumatic drama and tear up whenever in the shampoo sink. (My complex being that the stylist was not going to listen to what I wanted and was going to give me some horrible horrible haircut.)

BUT last year I conquered this fear and found a little salon in Monrovia where my stylist was more than helpful, listened to all my needs, made wonderful suggestions and gave me the best haircut I've ever had in my life. (I've since attempted to maintain it on my own which requires a lot of hair-care learning that I've never previously bothered to figure out.)

So I figured I'd go to "my" salon yesterday for this needed cut but found them to be unavailable. This put me into a downward emotional spiral as I realized that I was only going to be OKAY if MY stylist cut my hair and did my highlights!!! I could NOT get my highlights from some non-English-speaking-non-Erin-understanding person at SuperCuts or Fantastic Sams. What was I to do???? I decided to browse through a local mailer and found a coupon for a place on the cute little old-town street here. I called, they had availability, I went in. I figured they weren't a chain store and they were on the cute street so maybe they'd be OK.

Now Blanca seemed like a decent person but she gave me some big chunky too-light highlights, dyed dark the old decent highlights and gave me a trim that left me looking like a Super Mario mushroom.

In a panic I went home and found the hair dye I knew I had under the sink - Black Cherry - and applied it to all of the too too blonde-ish highlights. So now I have lots of purple streaks throughout my darker dark-brown hair and look like a Disney villianess.

Luckily my new outfit is a black suit with a purple blouse. (However, the at-ease summery professional thing I was attempting has now become psycho goth girl.)

(In Epilogue - I also apparently missed a whole section in the back, had to buy a new box of Black Cherry and re-dyed everything including the missed back portion.)

BEFORE:



AFTER:

Fixation Update

About two or three weeks ago a girl introduced herself to me on one of those social networking sites. I don't remember why or how we got on the topic but we began discussing chick singers (I think it was in response to that Anna Nalick "Breathe" song that I was obsessing over on aforementioned social networking site). So she decided that I also needed to learn of more new (to me) chick singers and she mailed me a 4 CD mix of music. Glee! I enjoy packages and music mixes even more! But now it was a challenge. Her fourth CD was all music that had "Rain" in the title so I decided her return mix must have a theme. I decided upon "Around the World" and chose songs such as "Walk Like An Egyptian," "Kokomo," "La Isla Bonita," "One Night in Bangkok," "That's the Night that the Lights Went Out in Georgia" and etc..

But NO... I couldn't end there! I also decided to see her Rain bet and Call (which is what I also, cleverly, titled this second mix). This next CD included hits like "Blame it on the Rain" (Milli Vanilli) and "Rain" (Madonna). (Both of which I was amazed she had overlooked to begin with).

So - the point is - CURRENT FIXATION: CD Theme Mixes

(I'm already planning my next one... "Songs That SO Made That Movie"... which will include titles such as "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin and "Invincible" by Pat Benatar.)

Photobucket

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

Long sleeves

I am no longer sportin' my flourescent pink arm bandages... though Miriam has deemed that I am required to wear long sleeves because the arm where the vein "blew" has this big horrible foul-looking bruise. Of course I took a picture. I shall spare you the picture. (Though if I know you I may show you in person.)

sheez

It's 4:38am. Miriam and I have just returned from a trip to 7-11 and then a re-route to AM-PM (because 7-11 didn't have the required energy drink). Miriam graduates from college tomorrow... unless I don't finish her final project tonight.

A note my cousin wrote me during the reunion. She's a smart girl. 

That's so Erin!

Donating blood at Cedars-Sinai is so stylish! Jump on my band-wagon.

Plus they give you a Coffee Bean certificate... (and if they can't find your vein either, they'll give you TWO AMC movie tickets - one for each arm!)

Dad's day

In honor of Father's Day I will now share the story of my conversation with my father last Friday night at Sizzler.

(First you must understand that my Dad finds fault with almost every human invention and thinks that it could be "better" or at least not "made wrong.")

Dad: I don't know why they have so many words. It doesn't make any sense. Some languages make sense but English doesn't. They should have just one word for each thing. And in other languages your pronunciation may mean your life.

(Erin smiles.)

Dad: No, I'm serious. I had a friend in college who went to Africa with one of the professors and had to learn the language of the bush men there. It was a series of clicks and whistles and sounds and the word for "friend" and the word for "enemy" was very similar. He could have been killed if he'd mis-pronounced it. They shouldn't have words like that! One word for each meaning is the way it should be!

Erin: So language was made wrong?

(Dad smiles at the inside joke.)

Dad: Yes! They should go through the Dictionary and pull out all the words that mean the same thing and just pick one and throw the rest out.

Erin: Don't you think it would be a lot easier if they started with the Thesaurus?

(This would have been funnier if I then hadn't had to explain what a Thesaurus was. Once I did explain it, he agreed. Use the Thesaurus, pick out one good word, throw the rest away - boom - no need to even have a Thesaurus!)

When I grow up...

... I want to be Libby Gelman-Waxner.

Here's another moment where I feel a little behind the times. But I shall explain...

At some point I realized that the only way I was going to read the magazines I subscribed to was to put them in the bathroom. Originally I had considered this something that was a little too trashy to do but then I realized the genius of it. Not only would I read the occasional article - but the magazine would get all warpy due to the humidity in the room and I would NOT want to keep it out of guilt and preservation. (I still have boxes full of old magazines that I intend to sell on eBay.)

SO.. I finally started reading my PREMIERE magazines and discovered Libby Gelman-Waxner's articles. They always look like something I'm going to glance over, finding the topic not particularly interesting, but I read and laugh and consider writing a letter to the editor to tell them to "keep this Libby chick!" Then I proceed to forget about her existence until the next time I stumble across another of her articles.

Today I laughed and brought the article to my computer to quote my favorite portion of her commentary on BEAUTY SHOP:

"Most of Latifah's employees are black, and whenever one of the stylists made an especially satisfying wisecrack, the audience yelled, "Girl!" This has become such a common response that I've started using it in bed when I have an orgasm, and my husband is very confused. When he asked me to stop calling him "girl," I just did three snaps and declared, "I will if I want, bitch!"

So then I googled Mrs. Gelman-Waxner and found out she has a book published full of her PREMIERE articles already! I'm behind! AND then I found out that she's a boy... named Paul... and he writes screenplays like IN & OUT. And I'm no longer sure how I feel.... about Paul.

Life's like an hour glass....

I'm in love again...

Cousin Update

Since Sunday my autistic second cousin has sent me several e-mails (I know she's a "second" cousin because of a "how to figure out what kind of relative you are" chart that they passed out). She's averaging about 3-4 e-mails a day which all generally say the same thing. Sometimes she just types the same thing over again (and its not cut and pasted because there are slight differences). Sometimes she recaps Sunday (i.e. "Remember when I sat next to you and when you helped me get my dinner?") Sometimes she just asks for my phone number (which I don't know how to avoid giving her since she's asking for it 3 times a day). Sometimes she e-mails the message to my mother or from her father's e-mail. I've even had e-mails come that she's sent to my great-aunt about me, who then forwarded it to my mother, who then forwarded it to me.

I have a stalker cousin.

Here's an example of an e-mail:

"Can you send me your phone number so I call you
sometime soon and here is mine if you want it I know
you want it xxx-xxx-xxxx call me sometime soon
and I will call you sometime soon okay you are so
my best friend right now seriously Erin you rock
my world and I love you so much and you love me too
I was very glad I got to sit with you at your table and I
didn't have to sit next to my annoying brother "

Why I Hate Kids

So I was in Jiffy Lube trying not to enjoy the two little kids that were playing (a little toe-headed boy, almost two according to his mom, and a little blonde girl (just two) according to her dad). They met in the Jiffy Lube waiting room. They immediately bonded. It was obvious they were destined to grow up and fall in love and later in heaven they would rewind to this chance meeting in the Jiffy Lube waiting room when they were two and BOUNCING.

The little boy thought bouncing and jumping would be a good idea so he started jumping up and down and giggling. The little girl thought this looked like fun so she started jumping up and down too. Then they jumped while watching each other jumping up and down. Then they laughed and showed their respective parents that they were jumping up and down. Then the little boy started snorting like a pig which made everybody giggle and the girl giggle... all while jumping up and down.

Then... the little girl attempted a sideways jump towards the direction of her father, landed with one foot on the other, tripped herself and fell over. Then there was that moment ... that pause.. when you don't know if the kid is going to stand up again and continue jumping or cry. She elected to scream-cry. She also looked at the happy little boy and screamed at him with utter hatred in her voice..

"WHY DID YOU DOOOO IT??!?!?!?"

More scream-crying. The little boy stood staring at her.. stunned... obviously thinking, "WTF?"

The little girl's dad said, "Honey, you did that all by yourself. He didn't do it." But I don't believe she was convinced. Then their friendship was over. Their destiny shattered. All because she fell that two feet to the floor.

Kids... they have that power to rip out your heart with their horrible horrible hatred and pain.

The little boy and his mom eventually left. She wouldn't look at him as he attempted to say good bye. She cheered up after she left and decided to harass the other mother in the room who was breast-feeding her baby.

I continued to pretend to read the local newspaper.

Poor Baby

I'm watching a little segment of Oprah where they are talking about a couple that met and got married out of their participation on Extreme Makeover. She had a big nose. He had a big nose and big ears. Now they're all fixed up, married and she's pregnant.

I hope they don't think their extreme make-overs will translate to their baby.... because it won't. They're gonna have a funky lookin' kid.

Weekend/Last Class

I spent the weekend in Buena Park at the "ABS" Reunion with family I've never met, family who aren't my family and family I knew. I met a few interesting "cousins," spent some interesting time with the obsessed autistic cousin and missed out on a few opportunities because I wasn't bold enough to introduce myself to other cousins. I have a few interesting stories about the weekend that I'll post later.

Monday night was the last Creative Writing class and I am saddened by my loss... this means I'll have no more looming assignment deadlines with which to finish stuff. I, of course, got an A. Strangely, one of the teacher's comments was that I was generous with my contributions to the class. If you had ever taken a class with me previously, you'd know that I never contribute in class. I always had those teachers that threatened to grade down if you didn't participate... but I never did and they never graded me down. So I called every teacher on their bluff. I figured... I'm getting an A anyway... if I get an A- I won't give a crud. BUT... they'd just add a comment to a paper or somehow suggest that they "wished I'd talk once in a while." BUT ... it all turned around this time and I did contribute in class. Mostly in the full class workshops in which my comments were mind-expanding and eye-opening! I contributed and I contributed amazingly! AND... I became well-known for my amazing comments on drafts and was thanked many times by various students for the plot holes I dug up and improvement suggestions I suggested. I should maybe consider a career in story-editing! (But not plain ol' editing because I CAN'T STAND ... CAN'T STAND ... peer-editing for language/grammar/punctuation.) (I was so frustrated, in fact, by Chemmy's latest draft of a vampire horror chapter in his sociopathic novella.. that I just wrote "This needs to be edited on a sentence by sentence basis" instead of making the language/grammar/punctuation marks on his paper.)

The teacher told us that he'd be taking a playwriting class this summer and that it might be fun if a few of us joined him. I'm thinking about it (and the Tony Awards were on on Sunday and I was thinking about playwriting so that's synchronicity!).

Discovery

Tonight I found Miriam's super secret website! She's hidden it from me all these years! The bitch!

Miam Sex Miam

FGT

My Fried Green Tomatoes message board now has 25 active members and (as of this moment) 535 posts. That's 24 new friends for Erin! ;) Yeah baby! I like fans.

OH and by the by - my completed FGT fanfiction short story from creative writing class is available for reading here: http://fgobsession.ravenwolfprods.com/weemsfanfiction.html

Testy

I mentioned "INTP" in a previous post ... which is my personality type... based on a slew of personality tests I've taken. INTP = Introvert Intuitive Thinker Perceiver (which means nothing to you unless you read the description).

BUT - I'm super interested in what YOU are (letter-wise) so I can look up our compatibility.

Take the test and let me know:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Good quotes about INTP's:

"INTPs are pensive, analytical folks. They may venture so deeply into thought as to seem detached, and often actually are oblivious to the world around them. "

"INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to most anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. " (What Taysha calls "Tokey")

"A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data." (Which is why I sometimes have a hellish time shopping.)

"The INTP is likely to be very shy when it comes to meeting new people." (The damn Social Anxiety Disorder study people do NOT call me back... it is apparently not my fate to do this study!)

"For this reason, INTPs are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others. " (Also known as Erin's ability to 'not think before she speaks' and to "not be a shoulder to cry on.")

"If the INTP has not developed their Sensing side sufficiently, they may become unaware of their environment, and exhibit weakness in performing maintenance-type tasks, such as bill-paying and dressing appropriately. " (SHUT UP!! Bitches!)

"When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things." ;)

Plus I think INTP's have big hair.... Einstein was an INTP.

Song stuck in my head

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head that you don't want to sing out loud? At the moment I have that "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" song stuck in here.... and I don't want to sing it out loud because I'm half expecting some ass to shout out "No!! God no!!!"

But here's another song I'm going to stick in my head instead:
http://www.ultrarecords.com/grandaddy/video/grandaddy-nature_anthem.mov

Update 4 - Mortimer & Molly

Last week I was invited to pet-sit for a friend of my godmother's who happens to live near me in El Monte. First of all.... I didn't know El Monte was so close to me. Second of all... this lady lives next to this huge lake park thing that I didn't know existed. There's a bike path at this lake that goes all the way to Long Beach.

Anyhoo... so I pet-sat for Mortimer, the chihuahua and Molly, the cat for a night and a day and fell in love with this lake park place (which is Mortimer's walking place). I ended up taking Mort for four walks just as an excuse. Two of these walks were at odd off-park hours in the dark or early morning light.... it was the perfect location for a gruesome Law & Order type of body discovery. I kept expecting Mort to sniff out a victim.

I'm considering writing a story about it.... but I may just have right now.

Cuz they're Cuzins!

I have a little cousin that is obsessed with me.

I've only met the girl once... when she was probably 12 or 13... and now she just luuuuuvvvvs me. (She's 15 now.) And the thing is .... she can't just be like a normal cousin that thinks I'm cool... no... actually she has some sort of autism or something that makes her especially clingy to people.

In a couple of weekends I will attend a family reunion in Buena Park. Now it's called "reunion" but 90% of the people I've never met. This is my mom's side of the family.

So Nic, the little cousin, has now sent me a few e-mails. I just got two, from two separate e-mail addresses. They read something like, "Erin this is your cousin. Are you going to the reunion? Please sit next to me." The other said, "Sit next to your cousin Nic at the reunion." The third one I got was actually the first, which she had sent a couple of months ago to my mom, which my mom had forwarded to me with a note "Do you know this person?" ... and I hadn't recognized the name at the time. That first e-mail read "Erin L. I miss you!"

ONCE.... I met her ONCE.

Again with the irony.... here I am... INTP personality.... don't like a lot of social interaction. And I'll be spending my reunion with the too clingy, too social, too chatty Nic.

And yes - I'm going to hell.

Update 3 - Writing Class

So Pleather finally sent me her story which she had requested I look over. And I did. And I gave it some excellent comments and things to work on. She was very appreciative of the time I put into it and the insights I gave her.

That night, however, was our workshop on our "free verse" poems.... essentially... poems with no rhyme or meter. Our new set gang of workshoppers gathered round to look at the poems (Sarah the pregnant girl, Chemmy the hard to understand guy, Will the novelist, Pleather and I). I had written two - one about Miriam's grandmother who has Alzheimers - the other based on my THE LIGHTS story (from 8th grade, later turned into college short film). We sort of tag-teamed in our comments on people's poems and then transitioned into someone else's. Pleather's was probably the best poem in the group... it was about masks that people wear... but there were references that I just didn't get to mythological creatures, etc. (Of course Will the novelist understood it... because he's Will the novelist.) The group talked about Pleather's poem second to last and yadda yadda its good yadda yadda. And then Pleather said, "I was worried it might be a little too high brow." To which I replied in my usual Erin thinks she's funny way, "It is. I didn't understand it." WHICH really was meant to be funny..... but not even I giggled because it came out so rude sounding.... She looked at me in shocked horror. My face remained defiant. She said, transitioning in, "Well I didn't really get yours." And then the other group members told me how they didn't get mine.... they didn't understand the narrative of the narrative poem.

Remember that scene in the movie BIG when John Heard is in the toy meeting and he's describing the buildings that turn into robots and Tom Hanks raises his hand and says, "I don't get it." And John Heard says, "Well, what's there not to get? They start out as skyscrapers and they turn into robots." .... then Tom Hanks proceeds to win over the boss's heart by telling the gathered meeting that skyscrapers that turned into robots were not any fun... why not make robots that turn into bugs..... then later John Heard bitches to Elizabeth Perkins about Tom whining in a mock voice, "I don't get it! I don't get it!"...

I was John Heard.

Since that night Pleather has sat on the opposite side of the room. I guess I'm no longer her bitch.

BUT .... in epilogue.... Monday night the teacher returned our iambic pentameter poems and announced to the class, "With the exception of Erin, none of you quite got it."

Update 2 - Bridges

Have I mentioned "Bridges" before (other than in the last post when I mentioned Emily - the 20 year old novelist)? I can't recall.

Back when I was doing the production for a Self Expression and Leadership Program (which was AFTER I was coaching... basically I was the setup, breakdown, pass out homework, make photocopies girl) I was invited to participate in one of the coach's projects. (As you may recall - in that class you create a community project - mine was the project for animal cancer awareness.... other projects included things like AIDS Lifecycle and St. Baldric's Day and the Revlon Run/Walk ... and etc.) Andy was/is her name (not to be confused with the Andy whose cat, Tova, is being babysat by my parents).

Andy's project, later named "Bridges," was a group meant to "bridge the gap" between older and younger lesbians. We've now had about 5 or 6 meetings (since February) and its actually pretty interesting. I, as some of you know, consider myself a little homophobic, (again with the irony!) so it was something I challenged myself to do. Interestingly enough - I get along just fine with the "over 40's"... but its the "under 40's" that make me all weird, quiet and socially anxious.

Anyhoo - I'm the official e-mail/communications captain for the group (and recently.. logo designer).

The day after the real-estate expo was our first "outing"... we went to a park, had a picnic, attempted to fly kites and threw around a softball. I learned how to catch with a mit... I can actually do that! And I swung the bat and hit quite a few of the pitches. (I'd only ever previously batted at a mini-golf batting cage once.) I'm learning to be appropriately gay!

This last weekend was supposed to be my first trip to a PRIDE event - Long Beach Pride. But at the last minute I chickened out and used the $20 admission fee as my excuse to not go.

However.... if Andy plays her cards (and applications) right... I may be IN the L.A. Pride parade marching next to her convertible and advertising "Bridges." Holy shit.

The other thing I've gotten out of Bridges is my writing-buddy, Cassandra. She's 70 something and we've been sending snippets of writings back and forth and working on some writing exercises together. We haven't actually worked out a method of buddy-ing though... so its just e-mails back and forth with no integrity held in check yet.

Surprise!

I changed the template to something a little more generic... so you can read it.

Update 1 - the Expo

A few weekends ago I attended the Learning Annex' Real Estate Expo. I figured it was something I was fated to do because I had just finished "reading" RICH DAD, POOR DAD and then I saw the ad which said the author was going to be at the expo. Looking at my ticket the night prior to my Saturday attendance (Thank you Leslie for my ticket!) ... I became convinced that it was not actually valid. The ticket had a coupon code and the note "be sure to register online at .... or by calling this number..." So I called the number and reached a recording which said that "All tickets are sold out.".... Er..... So I went to the website.. or tried to.. but it was down. When it finally came back up the page where I should have been able to enter the "coupon code" had the option grayed out and said "Sold Out."

SO I stayed up until all hours ... surfing, as per usual, on MySpace.

Then Saturday I awoke and thought - I won't forgive myself if I don't attempt this! So I went after all. But I had slept in so I didn't actually wake up, make this decision, drive and get there until about 2:30pm.

And I got in with no problem. But I had missed all the good seminars that I had wanted to attend.

I got there in time for an "Other People's Money" seminar but the room was overpacked and there was no way I was getting in.

The other thing about the expo is that I knew my friend Anna was going. Anna was my coach when I was coaching participants during a Self Expression and Leadership Program. She's about my age (a little older I guess) and she works for the L.A. Opera AND... as I learned during that program... she's trying to get into real estate (with NO MONEY DOWN and all that good jazz). Anna also had me create my financial budget and talk to my creditors, and etc. and basically had me get some good grips on my money situation. Not to mention she dealt with all of my Erin drama while I dealt with participant drama. And I just think she's hot shit all around.

So Anna told me to call her when I was there so I took the "can't get into this room" moment as the opportunity and went through to her voicemail. I decided to then check out the vendor room while I waited for the next available seminar - and then I ran into Anna on the way. So again... fate.

Anna and her boyfriend Derek were all pumped up after having attending the Tony Robbins seminar in the morning and they were wearing "Millionaire Mind" paraphernelia.. which is a 3 day intensive workshop about how to think like a millionaire which they had attended the previous weekend. They decided to drag me on their search for Starbucks (apparently there had been a run and all Starbucks was sold out in the convention center) and then told me they were taking me to the Millionaire Mind mini-seminar in the main hall. I still think that I was not technically supposed to be able to get into that seminar with my free ticket status but they had paid tickets so I just followed them and nobody kicked me out.

http://www.millionairemind.com/

The MM mini-sem was led by the creator, T. Harv Eker, who was quite the hyperactive little dude. He'd shout little things like, "Good or good?" or "True or True?" to get positive answers. He did have some great little insights which I noted down. However - the most interesting thing was that he wanted everybody to "think like millionaires" and had us stand up several times to tell our neighbors that they had a millionare mind. Anna and Derek - fresh from the intensive - were all about generating their participation so they'd jump and make the whole row excited with their enthusiasm. Thankfully, I was partnered with Anna so it wasn't so completely odd when we had to turn to our partner, high-five them, look them in the eye and shout, "YOU have a millionaire mind!!" OK so it was a little hokey but it was fun. Basically it was like Landmark education for money.

Some of the great insights from the mini-sem:

1) You can learn all the stuff from all the seminars and books but if you think like a poor person... you can only be poor.

2) Your life is made up from four parts - the Mental, the Emotional, the Spiritual and the Physical... and the Physical is like a print-out of what the other three parts are doing. (I.E. if you think small, you get small. If you feel dramatic, things show up as being dramatic. Etc.)

3) You need to reset your financial thermostat. The example is... if Trump loses a million - he's not going to flinch because his financial thermostat is set for the billions. If yours is set for the thousands or hundreds... then that is all you'll get. Like a thermostat that is set to 72 degrees.... if its colder it'll heat up the room to equal 72, if its hot it'll turn on the AC to get it down to 72... so the temp will always be slighty above 72, at 72 or slightly below 72. The trick is to set your financial thermostat UP UP UP.

4) Resetting your thermostat is a matter of evaluating what you've been taught about money and throwing it out the door. I.E. ... You likely heard things like "money doesn't grow on trees" or "if you want to buy that thing, get a job" as you grew up... which created your way of thinking about money. And its all just stories.

5) Take a look at what your default response is when you need money. For me - my default response seems to be somewhat positive in that I don't kill possibility immediately. "I don't have it but I can ask for it. Someone will give me money," is my natural reaction (from growing up a spoiled brat). (I'm sure my friends will notice this.... and think twice when next I say I don't have any money.... as you should!) HOWEVER - my natural response is also somewhat negative because I have disempowered myself... I can never have or create any money of my own because I always expect it from someone else.

6) Don't complain. People who complain about their situation can only create bad situations (go back to the mental + emotional + spiritual = physical equation).

T. Harv's other suggestion for life was to "bless" those people that have what you want rather than hate them or blame them or despise them. BECAUSE ... when you wish happy things on people, you'll get happy things in return. (This is just one of those elements of life that shows up in various religions in stuff... Wicca refers to it as the 3 times 3 - what you wish on others will come back to you 3 x 3 - so wish good things - do good magic. This is best exemplified in the movie THE CRAFT.)

(SO... if you read it.... this is why I wrote that little poem about "Bless Emily..." because I met her on the following day. She was a 20 year old that had already published a book at 19 and had several screenplays "being read by Hollywood" already. My first reaction was to hate her.... but I've been "blessing" her ever since instead.)

And of course T. Harv's final suggestion was to take the 3 day intensive Millionaire Mind course to re-program your thermostat. (It's like a $1200. course but Anna said she could hook me up with free tickets because you KNOW I want to reprogram myself.)

After the mini-sem ended Anna and Derek went off to prepare for the Trump seminar they would be attending and I finally visited all the vendors and entered all the free iPod contests. (Apparently the Las Vegas real estate market is booming- FYI.)

Irony

The irony is my blog. Here I am .... working on my writing.... and not writing in my blog.

'Tis a Merry Thing

I'm not going to read your poetry unless it rhymes. That being said - our first poetry assignment is "free verse" poetry (which is poetry with no meter and no formal style). We learned about "slant rhymes" and "assonance" and "alliteration" and "line breaks" and other fun grammatical things that I was apparently already using, for the assignment.

So for the hell of it I thought I'd blog some of my "rejected" free verse poetry (since I don't think these have the potential of winning any prizes and so I don't care if I "publish" them). So without further ado:

Tiger Stuff by Erin

The tiger was stuffed and
Wore a t-shirt to show off his
Affiliation with schools and pools
Of students bought him and
Showed him brief love before
Sharing him with parents and
Friends.


Bless by Erin

Emily Jamison – bless
Emily Jamison because
T. Harv Ecker the teacher
Said we should bless
Those who have what we want.


(This poem relates to my last weekend at the Real Estate Expo and the picnic I went to on Sunday.... which I have yet to post about.)


Baby Things by Erin

The baby’s bright eyes stared at blue eyes
Staring at lights on the wall sparkling
Reflections from baby things hanging
Over the crib. The dust
Had been cleaned off but the blue
Eyes wondered if there was any left,
Any small powder, or
Specks of skin, or
Eyelashes left over from the baby
Before.


The Obligatory Sexual Poem by Erin

The top comes off and behold
The body, the breasts, the hardening
Nipples and trace them with finger tips and
Tongue and caress the rest. The breast
Rises with breaths
And breaths
And
Breaths
And rest your head between them
And breathe.


THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE rejected poem ------------>

Furry by Erin

Frostie fur got all over my clothes. You
Couldn’t wear dark clothes around her because
When you’d leave Mom would joke
“Did you sit on the dog?”
When I found a white hair on my
Shirt the other day I forgot it wasn’t
Her’s and then I cried for want of
A furry bottom.

(Sad yet funny)

16

16 jobs applied to so far today! (My goal is 10/week.... which is probably too low.)

I've got my fingers crossed for the copywriter for the gay adult film company!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wri/71299673.html

Pleather's e-mail

So last week I did e-mail Pleather Star my Snake story and included info on an online writing course and 'would she be interested in looking at/doing the exercises with me?' To which she never responded.

Last Wednesday she came to class and thanked me for the e-mail and then said, "Did I respond to it?"

Now I knew she hadn't but played nice and innocent and said, "I don't think so but if you did I just haven't gotten it yet."

Then she said, "Oh yeah I did."

And then I said, "Oh well it must have been sorted into my Spam folder."

Which it hadn't... because she'd never responded.

So screw my new "friend." My new writing buddy is a seventy year old lesbian lady named Cassandra. SHE joined the online writers group with me!

Though this Wednesday Pleather made nice again and asked me if she could e-mail me her finished 2500 word story because she hadn't yet turned a full finished version in and she really really respects my opinion and advice. And I said yes. So now I guess I'm her bitch.

Sportin'

This week I'm sportin' at least two bruises including one rather oddly placed one on the inside of my thumb from playing fake softball on Sunday. That's so butch!